Hi, I hope you're well. I need advice please.
TW: emotional trauma
People from my past, who I deeply cared about, even loved, neglected me, lied to me, cheated on me, gaslighted me. My parents emotionally abused me as well. So I have developed this trauma and as a result, I always think that all of the relationship I'm going to be in will always be like the ones I had from the past.
Now, I'm in a committed relationship. We love each other dearly. The problem is I always assume that I'm not wanted or loved. I feel neglected and ungrateful even when he is doing so much for me emotionally. He is very kind, understanding, and supportive. Yet I always assume that he will just get tired of me and leave me like all my past partners did. Now I'm afraid that he would, indeed, get tired of me and leave me if I keep on accusing him that he doesn't love me.
How do I stop these negative thoughts and feelings about him? I don't want to lose him and I want to get better so I can love him better.
Hey there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I’m sorry to hear you are going through a difficult situation. Emotional trauma can be hard and frustrating to navigate, and the abundance of negative emotions can feel overwhelming at times.
I have provided an article that contains general information on emotional trauma and how to combat fear of abandonment: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/abandonment/get-help.
Many people lack self-awareness and can’t acknowledge when their thoughts become overwhelming, so it is great that you have taken this first step. It is perfectly normal to expect and require reassurance from your partner. People communicate their love in different ways, and if his way of showing love is different from yours, you may be feeling confused or unsure about his feelings. It is important that you have an open-minded conversation with him about how his behavior is affecting you and what he can do differently to reassure you. Try to honestly communicate your feelings, and actively listen to his response. Include details about why you feel this way to prevent confusion on his part, and always let him know that you appreciate his efforts. Since he loves you, he should want to do whatever he can to help you feel more comfortable and reassured.
Here are some additional tips on how to communicate effectively: https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication#.
You may also benefit from spending time alone. You could go on a walk for fresh air, read a book, journal, listen to music, draw, etc. This may sound counterproductive, but these kinds of solitary activities should increase your sense of independence and help you feel more confident in your abilities. Understanding the fact that you have a solid identity outside of your relationship will also help combat your fear of abandonment.
I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please feel free to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.
Stay strong,
Andrea