Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I want to start by telling you that you have every right to feel concerned about the behavior your boyfriend is exhibiting. Based on what you’ve shared, these incidents seem very unhealthy. No matter how small it may seem, it is never okay for someone to be physically/verbally violent with you, especially in a nonconsensual, threatening way.

Remember that it’s so important to value and prioritize your safety in any relationship. I see that you mentioned writing your post while you two were in physical proximity. I would recommend that you create a safety plan. This might include identifying safe places to go, having a bag packed with your essentials, or creating code words with people you trust. For more information on how to create a safety plan, use the following link: https://tinyurl.com/mrxd3b6v.

I‘d also like to provide you with a few resources in case you ever feel unsafe again and need somewhere to turn:

If you are in the U.S., don’t hesitate to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you’re ever looking for someone to talk to, try calling The Hotline at 988 or texting ‘START’ to 88788. This link will provide you with 24/7 access to trained experts, safety plan help, shelters, support groups, and more: https://www.thehotline.org.

Here you will find personal stories, resources, and another way of contacting support should you need it: https://www.loveisrespect.org.

If you’re in Canada, this helpline provides free, 24/7 crisis counseling and support. They can be reached at 1-866-863-0511 or through their website at https://awhl.org/.

This link can provide you with shelters across the country. They can be reached at https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/domestic-violence-provincial-groups-canada.

I understand why you might feel confused, but it’s important that you always take your emotions seriously. This is a completely normal response to someone betraying your trust and boundaries. It might feel like everything between you two is perfect except this one thing, but I can assure you that these behaviors are warning signs of at least some sort of pattern of violence. Typically, this pattern starts with your partner experiencing a buildup of anger, then moving on to acts of violence, and usually ending with your partner apologizing or making false promises. If you notice this cycle of violence, know that it is not your fault and that you deserve to be treated with kindness by your partner.

If you’re interested in reading more about what this pattern might look like, here is a guide to understanding the cycle of violence: https://domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/.

Here is an article for you to read that discusses why understanding these patterns can help break the cycle: https://tinyurl.com/yc47kcba.

Conflict is a normal and even healthy part of a relationship; conflict allows for expressions of strong emotions and communication. If you have ever had arguments/conflict with your boyfriend in the past, try comparing his behavior then versus now. By doing this, you can see how his patterns have changed over time, and it may even help you recognize the severity of the situation.

If you feel like your relationship has more stress than love and respect recently, then you are not being silly. Often, toxic or abusive partners can leave their significant others feeling like their outbursts were normal. This can look different in every relationship, but it could include gaslighting or even explicit blaming. It’s not uncommon for people in similar situations to experience feelings of blame or shame about what’s happening, and this can make it difficult to talk about scary incidents. It’s important that you trust your feelings and instincts about your boyfriend’s behavior. This is the first step in figuring out a solution that works best for you, your safety, and your well-being.

I’d recommend reading this article on the difference between conflict and abuse. This might help ease any confusion you have about whether or not you are overreacting: https://www.northamptoncouplestherapy.com/blog/domestic-violence-or-conflict/.

Prioritize yourself when dealing with this. If there is a safe place to do so, try creating a journal of your thoughts and reflections during this time. Give yourself the freedom to include whatever you’re comfortable writing. Journaling can help you rationalize your emotions, communicate with others, and just gather your thoughts. If you need help on starting a journal, here are a few resources you can use: https://tinyurl.com/3z7cdpkb; https://tinyurl.com/56ca2fz3. Here are some writing prompts for your specific situation, as well: https://tinyurl.com/2s4eurp3.

If you can, you might find it helpful to share your thoughts and feelings with a professional therapist or counselor. They can provide you with the support and resources you need to leave the relationship safely should you feel the need to.

If you have any questions or have anything at all to say, please feel free to reach out again. Be patient with yourself during this and remember that your safety and well-being is worth protecting.

Take care of yourself,

Mikayla

Hello from NYC. I say these two incidents are signs that, at the very least, your boyfriend has a problem with anger and that he should get help. I don't know any details about your relationship, just what you say in your 'ask' (example: how did the two of you meet and get together?). But based on what you say in your 'ask,' he has to get help.

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude, @Iammeandyouareyou ! This is a very troubling situation, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. One of our peer counsellors, Mikayla, will be answering you shortly. Until then, stay strong!