Hi. I followed Asking Jude on Tumblr and just now found out about the site, so I figured if anyone could help, it's this community. So, long story short, my friend has accused me of lying twice now even though I've given them absolutely no reason to think that and I've really been hurting alot. They've apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again, but honestly, now I'm absolutely terrified. Because now I'm just constantly thinking, what if this does happens again? So, what should I do now?
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Hey, Anonymouse! Good luck to the two of you and please try to up-date if there is a change in the situation...
(My apologies for the delay!)
This is a tough one because you can’t have any healthy relationship without trust. It’s not going to be easy for me to pin down exactly why the trust between you and your friend has been damaged because I am not involved at all. That being said, I can think of some likely reasons why your friend distrusts you so much:
Your friend has trust issues, possibly from finding out that someone else has been dishonest with them and they’re now very afraid and not thinking clearly.
Your friend is lying to others or has lied to you, and is now projecting.
If it’s the former, then this means your friend has trust issues. These usually stem from being betrayed or hurt by someone one was once emotionally close with. Perhaps your friend caught someone else lying and now distrusts everyone else- and you happen to be caught in the fallout. Or, maybe your friend simply has an insecure attachment style, which means they struggle with developing healthy relationships because they find it hard to trust others.
Does your friend seem to demand all your attention? Do they struggle with asking for help? Do they struggle with trusting others in any way?
I have a couple of articles that explain more about trust issues and about insecure attachment styles:
You may see some of your friend’s behavior in here. If this is the case, then it would help to sit them down and just talk about their feelings and why they feel them. I’m thinking this would be a great way for you two to strengthen your friendship because this gives them a chance to unpack their feelings, but also allows you to advocate for yourself. In other words, your friend can’t repeat this pattern because it’s unhealthy; how can they expect to trust you if they keep accusing you of lying? How can you be expected to just accept that kind of behavior?
The other possibility I can think of is that your friend is dishonest, but projecting onto you. People who do this do so to keep others off-balance so they are always stuck in a position of having to “prove themselves” to the other person. It’s a really unhealthy, but effective, manipulation tactic because it takes the focus off the actual issue (friend’s behavior).
Does your friend lie a lot? Do they have a habit of not being entirely honest with people? Do they hide things from you or others?
There’s another tactic that goes hand-in-hand with projection rather well that’s called “negging.” This is when people try insulting you in order to undermine your confidence and make you more susceptible to their desires or advances. This behavior is commonly found in the dating world with “pick-up artists,” insecure people, toxic people, etc. because negging is meant to make you feel like you have to seek the other person’s approval. Perhaps your friend is very dishonest and is trying to make themselves feel better by pretending you’re the dishonest one- and making you run in circles trying to prove otherwise distracts you from getting to the heart of the matter.
I have a few articles about projection and negging here:
It may also help reassure you to read more about lying and why people do it here:
This explains the differences between a pathological liar and a compulsive liar. Perhaps this will reassure you that you are neither of those things and thus may better be able to advocate for yourself. It may also help shed some light on your friend.
In short, it’s hard to say exactly where this accusation came from, but it’s clearly a pattern and not a one-off thing. I still say it’s worth it to talk about it because you could very well start healing your friendship or you may find you no longer want to be friends and leave them behind. It’s entirely up to you, but I strongly encourage you to talk to your friend and not give up just yet. Give them the benefit of the doubt and listen; their behavior will tell you if they are dealing with genuine trust issues or if they are a liar themselves (and not someone you should hang out with anymore).
Hello, @Anonymouse ! (That's such an awesome username.) I hope you're feeling okay despite the circumstances. Our peer counsellor Angelica will be answering your submission shortly. Until then, stay strong!
Hello from NYC. I'm a member, not a Peer Counselor. I think a Peer Counselor would need some specific information regarding how the situztion you find yourself in came about. My first thought is that your friend is insecure about something. I hope you'll go into detail with a Peer Counselor. Good luck to you...