Hi, just like the title says, I was molested and I don't know how to talk about it with the people close to me. My parent would often show me porn thinking it was 'funny', was often naked in front of me thinking it was totally normal and expected me to be naked in front of them and feel comfortable. I finally admit that something is wrong with our relationship because a few months ago, I woke up to them laying in my bed touching my genitals. I was 17 at the time. I'm 18 years old right now and I've moved out of that home because I was also experiencing physical and mental abuse from my other parent. There's really nothing holding me back from talking about it because I won't have to worry about child protective services or being forced out of my home or anything like that. To be honest, I'm just riddled with guilt that I'm calling my parent a molester. I love them a lot and they were the good parent, always taking my side and standing up for me when my physically/mentally abusive parent took advantage of me. We don't have much contact anymore but when we do it's usual supportive or lighthearted conversations and they often send me care packages of food and essentials. It really makes it hard to accept that this caring and loving parent of mine sexually assaulted me. I think they just honestly don't know how much their actions have hurt me.
I'm also afraid that no one will believe me. Like I said, this parent is very caring and I'm afraid of people accusing me of lying or overreacting if I told my story. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm afraid people will take me seriously and will tell me to go to the police or file a report. It's just too complicated.
My bottom line is, I just want to talk to someone about it without being accused of lying but also without being pressured to take legal action. I just want to tell someone that I was violated and learn to cope with it so that I can move on with my life. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate everyone in the Jude family and this forum has helped me in so many ways ❤️
I'm addressing both Paige and Samuel... Samuel's ask was really painful to read. A logical question to ask: "Have either of your parents been in therapy recently?" I question their mental fitness to be parents. And I wonder if they feel that they are more enlightened than the masses. And I understand that, from a criminal justice point of view, Samuel's situation is not clear cut. Good luck to Samuel. May he find help at Asking Jude...
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice and for opening up to us. Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about the sexual abuse you experienced by your parent. I cannot imagine the amount of pain it has caused you. I know this parent has stood by you and supported you through very difficult moments. It is also okay to say that you love them. Nonetheless, please do not feel guilty about admitting what happened. What they did to you was wrong, and you do not have to feel bad for acknowledging it.
You mentioned that this parent may not know how much their actions have hurt you. Would it help you heal if you approached them about it? Of course, this decision is entirely up to you. This conversation would be emotional, heartbreaking, and uncomfortable. However, it is possible that this could be a cathartic and healing moment for you. If you believe that having your voice heard by them would help you, I strongly recommend talking to this parent. If you decide to open up to them about the pain they have caused you, find a time that is both private and quiet. You can sit them down and tell them that you have something that has been bothering you a lot. Emphasize how their actions made you feel at the time and how they make you feel now. Remember that this conversation is entirely about you. Do not allow them to diminish or deny your pain. To help you further, here are guides to having difficult conversations with loved ones:
If you do not feel comfortable approaching your parent about this, that is completely understandable. The first article above also suggests writing out how you feel as if you were talking to the other person. In a private journal, the Notes app on your phone, or on an individual piece of paper, write out all of your feelings. Do not worry about grammar or punctuation; this is purely about releasing how you have felt and continue to feel. I also recommend emphasizing how none of this was your fault. Once you are done, it can be empowering to rip or burn the piece of paper. You may also want to keep it as a reminder of the powerful step you just took.
It may also help to talk to a therapist about what you faced. There are even some that specialize in abuse and can be the best people to talk to. They will listen non-judgmentally and can help you find ways to heal. Talking to them may even help you talk to a close friend or relative about what happened. If you decide to look for a therapist, here is a link to helping you find one locally: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
I will also be including links to emotional support hotlines and textlines if you cannot meet with someone in person:
I encourage you not to worry about those who refuse to believe your story. People who deny your experiences are not people I recommend having in your life. What you lived through is real, and absolutely no one is allowed to tell you otherwise. For those who do believe you, do not feel pressured to press charges if you do not wish to do so. You know what is best for you. So, you can thank them for their recommendations but let them know you will be taking this process at a pace you deem comfortable.
Take care of yourself during this process. What you are going through is extremely stressful and it can take a huge toll on your well-being. Please make sure you are getting enough rest, drinking plenty of water, and eating healthy foods throughout the day. I also suggest going on long walks (like through a park), creating art (painting, drawing, playing an instrument, writing song lyrics), treating yourself to a spa day, and staying in contact with trusted loved ones. Here are some steps you can take for better self-care:
Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again. We hear you, believe you, and wish you nothing but a healthy healing journey.
Sending all of my love and support,
Hey, Samuel! We received your ask. I'm going to relay it to one of our interns. You should receive a notification when it's answered. Thank you so much for joining our new and improved community! Stay strong.
Paige "Jude" Gilmar