hello! my boyfriend is 20 y/o and he recently told me that when he was 8 he was sexually abused by an adult man. he said that he's fine now and it never was a big deal for him, he even makes jokes about it. he looks over it for sure. i don't know what to do: could he really be over something like that without any help? should i do something about it? should i act differently with him? im scared of doing the wrong thing and to lose him, i don't want to make a big deal if he doesnt care about it.
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You are right to be cautious here. People who have experienced abuse or trauma like he has do not need to be handled with kid gloves, but it would be a good idea for them to learn how to support them and not accidentally trigger them. That’s a good way to approach this with him because he will see that you respect him and know that he’s no longer that eight-year-old, but you care about him and do not want to hurt him accidentally.
I’ve got some resources to start your research. Some of these will be more general, and others will be specific to male survivors:
https://www.canada.ca/content/dam/phac-aspc/migration/phac-aspc/sfv-avf/sources/nfnts/nfnts-visac-partnr/assets/pdf/nfntsx-visac-partn_e.pdf
https://www.dabs.uk.com/information/guidance-for-partners-of-survivors-of-childhood-abuse
https://www.livingwell.org.au/relationships/partner-sexually-abused-common-questions/
This one is geared more towards male survivors. It also has a link to more resources for the same target audience.
https://www.supportforpartners.org/faq
https://survivorsofabuserecovering.ca/resources/ffp-of-survivors https://www.talkspace.com/blog/7-tips-for-dating-a-survivor-sexual-abuse-assault/
https://www.counseling.org/docs/default-source/vistas/article_28565c21f16116603abcacff0000bee5e7.pdf?sfvrsn=8&sfvrsn=8
This one is specifically about male survivors of sexual abuse.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/victims-and-perpetrators/202003/how-mens-group-helps-survivors-childhood-sexual-abuse
This is about support groups for men who have experienced sexual abuse.
https://www.counseling.org/docs/disaster-and-trauma_sexual-abuse/long-term-effects-of-childhood-sexual-abuse.pdf?sfvrsn=2
This is about CSA in general.
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
This one is useful if he is ever triggered or has nightmares or anything like that. It’s more to keep in his back pocket just in case. The organization is dedicated to supporting survivors and educating people about sexual abuse and assault, so look through their resources.
You are absolutely allowed to talk to him about boundaries and things like that. Tell him that you care and do not want to trigger him accidentally, so ask him what you can do and what you should avoid doing. Offer some suggestions from your research, so he sees you aren’t expecting him to hold your hand throughout the process. Let him know that you understand humor is a coping mechanism, but you don’t want him to feel like he can’t even talk to you about it. Let him know that he can come to you if he ever feels he needs or wants to talk to you about it all, but that you are not a therapist.
In fact, has he ever gone to therapy? I think it would be a good idea because it will allow him to heal properly if he hasn’t already. He may be dismissing it or laughing it off as a way of protecting himself. He may resist the idea of going to therapy, but it will allow him to make peace with everything and teach him healthier coping mechanisms. For example, TalkSpace, one of the links I provided above, provides teletherapy. He can also go to captainawkward.com for help finding a therapist. I suggest he look for someone who specializes in CSA treatment.
I just remembered a book I read years ago called Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us by Jesse Bering.
In this book, he talks about human sexual behavior, some history behind it, etc. In one section, he explains exactly why people who are attracted to minors should not pursue relationships with them; he describes it as planting a time bomb that may or may not go off down the line. If your boyfriend hasn’t received any sort of professional help or support, there’s no telling what may set that time bomb off. A therapist can defuse it or at least minimize its impact on him and help him heal from it. If it goes off without support, it’ll have much worse consequences than with support. Don’t be surprised if he gets defensive at the notion or refuses to go to therapy or refuses to talk to the therapist; those are all self-defense measures. He does not want to think about or acknowledge the trauma, so he thinks if he jokes about it or doesn’t talk about it, it’ll go away and won’t harm him. But if he doesn’t heal, it will hang over his head forever, and he risks encountering some trigger that’ll set it off.
I know it may sound like fear-mongering, but this is a serious business. CSA is so difficult to work through because it’s such a deep form of trauma. If this metaphorical time bomb goes off in the therapist’s office, he has a professional right there to help him. If it goes off anywhere else, it can get much worse.
In the meantime, can you seek out some support for yourself, as well? It can be exhausting to support someone through trauma, so make sure you take care of yourself. Don’t neglect your own needs while trying to take care of his. Some of the resources I shared should point you in the right direction.
Hugs,
Angelica Barile