Please excuse me for this very long post. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this right now.
My first year of college just ended. This school year did not go well. My school wasn't a good fit for many reasons and I'm planning on transferring, so I won't be going back in the fall. One thing that I struggled with the most was making friends. I used to be extremely shy, partially because of my natural temperament but also because I was bullied for a long time (elementary school and middle school) but I felt like I became much less shy when I got to high school since I worked through a lot of my baggage. Once I got to high school I didn't think of myself as particularly shy anymore, just introverted. Despite this "improvement" when I got to college in the fall I struggled to make connections. I guess I made three friends during my time there, which is honestly a miracle, but I didn't get to spend too much time with them and now that I'm not going back I probably won't see them again. This isn't the end of the world because I have a couple of amazing close friends back home, but it's still quite sad.
Part of my problem is that I have really high standards for friendship and I value it a lot, maybe more than normal. This can be a good thing but I think, paired with the return of my shyness, I set myself up to have high expectations but do very little to "put myself out there." So, I found myself in a difficult position that felt helpless after some time. My nerves got so out of hand this school year I would be sitting on the school shuttle, walking through the quad or answering a question in class, convinced people were judging me and thought I was stupid/weird/ugly or any other negative adjective you can think of. I've felt this before because of my major depressive disorder and other issues but this felt different. I was never happy with my inconsistent/almost nonexistent social life but I was patient. I realized not everyone has a great first year experience or makes as many connections as they would like. Reassuring myself all the time got exhausting though. I'm usually optimistic but around the middle of the school year I basically gave up on myself and realized that my worsened social issues are something I need to talk to a professional about. For the past 2-3 years I've had a psychiatrist but I haven't had *both* a therapist and a psychiatrist in a while because of complications with insurance and affordability. I don't know how to fully explain this problem to my psychiatrist, partially because it seems more like something I should further unpack with a therapist, and partially because I'm extremely embarrassed by this issue. It feels like I should have figured this out by now and that I'm overemotional about it.
Frankly, I'm heartbroken. I have a bad habit of mourning connections I never made and dwelling on missed opportunities. A few days ago, when I was still on campus, I saw someone I had writing class with first semester. I had wanted to say hi to them for months but every time I saw them around I got really nervous and stayed silent, confused by the contradiction between my thoughts and my actions. The last time I talked to them directly was in the fall when we paired up for a class activity for like 15 minutes. Since this past week was the very end of the school year, when I saw them sit *directly in front of me* on the shuttle I thought "This is your chance to just say hi." I decided I would talk to them when we got off the shuttle. Most people get off at this one stop that was coming up, but this person ended up getting off one stop earlier. I had to get off at the next stop and pick something up (it was kind of time sensitive) so I did, but I felt a sense of dread knowing that I probably wouldn't see this person again and I couldn't even manage to wave at them or have a short conversation with them after all these months. It took about 10 minutes for me to finish my errand and when I got back onto the sidewalk, I ended up walking around the area and another neighborhood for almost an hour. I would say aimlessly but I did technically have a goal. I thought that there was an off chance I could bump into them, finally say something to them (even just one word), and then I could prove to myself that I wasn't a coward or totally incapable of social interaction, and also prove to this person that I wasn't a cold and unfeeling person who was just ignoring them every single time I saw them over the school year (even though they didn't say hi to me all this time either so maybe it doesn't matter???) - I didn't find them of course. I knew there was a low chance I would actually see them and yet I was so disappointed by this. I literally sobbed when I got back to my dorm, not just because I failed at this (needlessly) self assigned challenge but also because I had failed at so many things this school year. I don't know why I gave my inability to say hi to this person such significance and now I feel like a freak for all of this. I know this is a really weird and convoluted story that may be hard to follow. I guess my question is, how do I stop ruminating over these social issues and actually do something about them?
Hi,
Don’t worry—your post was very easy to follow and understand!
I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through such a challenging time. You aren’t alone in this—a lot of people struggle during their first year of university. Not only is it an academic change, it is also a social one and takes a lot of adjusting. I think it is very mature to make the decision to transfer to a place that is a better fit for you. If you ever find yourself struggling academically as you further your education, check out the resources available on campus. Most universities have a tutoring center. This can help you develop effective study habits as well as get some insight from people who understand the subjects you're studying.
You are not a freak for having this sort of response to a stressful situation. It sounds like you have a lot of social-based anxiety. I am not saying you have social anxiety disorder, but these tips can be applied to you and your situation and may be helpful: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/social-anxiety-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353567.
During stressful situations, it can be difficult to balance everything out. This balance includes making healthy choices. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating a balanced diet? Are you consuming too much caffeine? Surprisingly, all of these things can effect anxiety levels.
I think it would be a good idea to talk to your psychiatrist about this and see what is recommended. They may be able to refer you to a therapist that will work best with your insurance. Also, talking to your psychiatrist may help them better understand what is going on.
I know that opening up and being vulnerable is easier said than done. The fear of judgement can hold us back from getting the help we need. Try to keep in mind that their job is to help you, and they want what is best for you. Though there are differences between a psychiatrist and therapist, this website has some great tips that can be beneficial for opening up to your psychiatrist: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/how-can-i-learn-to-open-up-to-my-therapist. A lot of people feel the way that you do, and it’s perfectly okay. Sometimes, it takes time to open up to a professional. A level of trust has to be established first.
When navigating through a lot of challenges at once, especially during a depressive or anxious episode, things can affect us differently than they typically would. You may feel like you are overreacting because you would not normally get this upset about something. It feels irrational to you, but your mind is processing this as a supposed "social failure" on top of not having a very successful year of college. I understand that all of these emotions can be overwhelming at times, so here are some tips on how to manage them a little better: https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2021/03/how-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-youre-feeling-overwhelmed/. One of my favorite tips is writing out your emotions. Journaling can be a helpful way to organize your thoughts. Like talking, simply getting the words out of you can lift a weight off of your shoulders.
That being said, something that is always beneficial when dealing with mental health struggles is a support system. I know that it is difficult to make friends, but you said you have friends from home. Do they know what you are going through? Having love and support from people who care about you can help you cope with these overwhelming feelings. Here are a few tips that you may find useful: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-overcome-social-anxiety/. I especially like the tip about checking in with yourself. This can help you become more aware of not only how you’re feeling but why. Pinpointing the “why” can be a great way to help you navigate these anxieties—if you know what is triggering, you have a greater chance of coming up with an approach that works best for you.
Good luck next semester. You’re going to do amazing!
Andrea
Hi, @Anon <3 ! Kelly informed me yesterday that she came down with an illness and will be out of commission for awhile. Because of this, I have assigned your submission to our peer counsellor, Andrea, and she will be answering it today!
Hi, @Anon <3 ! One of our peer counsellors, Kelly, will be answering your submission shortly.
That being said, are you interested in participating in our live peer counselling? Asking Jude provides affordable, remote peer counselling via phone, video call, and text messaging. Our peer counsellors are all personally trained by me to handle unique and complex cases. You can choose how often you would like to meet with your counsellor as well. You can pay as much (like $100) or as little (like $1) as you like as well!
If you are interested, feel free to reach out to me at jude@askingjude.org for more details.
Until then, stay strong!
Hi! I wanted to add that I recently read this post from an advice column that was very helpful. I still really look forward to hearing from y'all though. Despite reading and internalizing the advice from the article I found, I find myself occasionally thinking of my shortcomings and getting upset/feeling hopeless.