As a child I was sexually abused a few times, family, friends and neighbors. I am aware of that for a few years, before I only saw it as flashbacks or dreams, my family doesn't know anything, and thats okay.
But I have this stranges dreams, in those dreams I am sexually involved with male members of my family and I feel really nasty and dirty, I don't have those feelings for them, so sometimes I feel really guilty and uncomfortable aorund them. The person that I dream the most It's my stepfather, he is a good person and treats me well, he has never touch me in a dirty way, so why do I keep dreaming him like this? I once had a sleep paralysis, and I see him in my room, standing watching me... And I had dreams like that with an uncle too.
I don't really trust men.
Last year, I was in a party and an old men kiss me without consent, I was petrified. Later that night, I sit on him because we have to go somewhere and it was his car, my cousin was driving, anyway I was top on him and he was moving... you know, rubbing in me, and there was people in the car, and I just couldn't say or do anything... That happened to me before, with a friend that I used to like, i felt raped...
Apart of the nightmares, I have this thing... that when I feel nervious by a men, I can't say no to them and I just do what they say. Of the times that I was abused when I was a kid, I only remember saying "No" to one person, and it was because we were same age.
Last thing... My mom do know about that time that I say "no" to that kid. But at the end I did what he said, I didn't know what he was doing but I remember feeling guilty. Anyway, somehow my mom knew, and she blame me for everything and say he will kill him, so I said that i wanted to do it for keeping him safe. She slapped me, she only has hit me that time. Anyway... Thanks for listen. :) I don't speak english, so sorry if u didn't understand me.