So, almost a year ago now I was still healing and going through a lot due to recent abusive relationships that had left me feeling empty and desperate to feel a real connection with someone. I ended up going on a date with this person who was about a year or so younger than me in another desperate attempt to feel something. There were a few immaturity red flags there for this person that I overlooked due to my mental state. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with them twice. The whole experience made me feel so extremely uncomfortable and almost violated? As soon as we slept together he started becoming very obsessive about me very fast. He would say things like "now i know you're going to hurt me" and "i already knew you were the one for me" and would just stare at me constantly without saying anything. which sounds harmless but I had only met this person twice in my entire life!! That is way too early for me personally to know I want to be with someone exclusively let alone forever! Not only that but (TMI I'm sorry) it was obvious that they didn't shower the night we saw each other and he literally left... feces in my bed I'm guessing just from being naked in my bed and him not practicing proper hygiene?? Again so sorry for the TMI, but this is actually what happened. I did not say anything about it or judge them for it so I didn't make them feel bad. But he knew we were going to sleep together that night and didn't care that I was being exposed to that. Along with making a few more strange comments about wanting to have me to himself and constantly sending messages etc. A few days after this happened I felt really weird about the whole thing and I started to keep my distance. I went on a camping trip with my friends that weekend and had no phone service, when I turned my phone on after I got back home there were multiple drunk texts from him saying he was in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me etc and on and on. I suddenly felt my stomach drop and felt so much pressure come over me. I hate being a bad person or hurting peoples feelings. I once again stupidly didn't make a big deal out of it and brushed it off as not to make them feel bad and continued to distance myself from this person. Again I received more texts from this person saying things like his friends dont think i would be the type to even want a boyfriend as i post revealing selfies etc??? (don't know what this is about) and judged me and my personality. About a month went by and I entered into a relationship with someone in my friend group who liked me for a few months who genuinely is being a good partner to me and I'm still with them, and even then I felt bad that I slept with this person so close (1 month) to me getting into a relationship with my current partner and judge myself for it. I feel so disgusting about this whole scenario even though it's been almost a year on, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it for some reason? I feel like my boundaries were crossed and manipulated and I feel almost disgusted in myself that I even gave my time to this person or even slept with them, it honestly makes me depressed and I start crying when I think about it. I don't necessarily judge this person for this as maybe they just had some growing up to do? and I dont think they are a "bad person" so to say. But I'm still a bit weary of them, even months after I moved on he continued to send message after message asking to start our connection again to the point where I finally had to remove him from that social platform. Thing is, this person lives relatively close to me and I'm scared in case I run into them with my current partner and they sabotage things for me out of jealousy or tell them about what happened so close to my partner and i becoming a couple. As well as I really need a way to heal from this, forgive myself from this and move on and not blame myself. How do I tackle this situation? What are your thoughts? I don't want this to eat at me anymore. Thank you
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Hi love,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your history with abusive relationships. I encourage you not to blame yourself for sleeping with someone who made you feel violated. You were coping from a past with abusive partners, so it completely understandable that you sought a meaningful connection. You did nothing wrong, and I am sorry about the discomfort he brought you.
I know that an experience like this can be tough to overcome, so I encourage you to take it one step at a time. For instance, you can try telling a close friend about how that experience made you feel. This can be cathartic and can remind you that you have people in your life who care for you. If you do not feel comfortable talking to a close friend about it, perhaps you would feel safer telling a therapist. Therapists are experts in the field of mental health, and they may offer you advice on helpful coping mechanisms. Here is a link to finding a therapist near you:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
You may also try journaling what happened to you. This way, only you will have access to this information. A good exercise I like to try is writing non-stop for five minutes (while paying no attention to grammar or spelling mistakes). Then, you can rip up the paper to shreds or safely burn it. The destruction of this paper symbolizes you are leaving the traumatic incident behind. Here are more tips for helpful journaling:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201912/journaling-about-trauma-and-stress-can-heal-your-body%3famp. There are also other ways you can express the pain of what you went through, such as drawing, painting, or creating music.
I encourage you to block as much contact with the person who refuses to leave you alone. You can block his number, social media accounts, and even his friends’ social media accounts (if you know what they are). Please know that none of this makes you a bad person. If he continues to text you and makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to prevent him from contacting you. No explanation to him needed. This is your life, and you deserve to live it comfortably with your partner.
As for fearing to see him in person and having him sabotage your relationship, I recommend confiding in your partner about what happened. This choice is entirely up to you, so do not feel pressured to tell them if you do not feel comfortable doing so. If you consider telling them, remember that this can prevent the person from your past from instigating. I know these kinds of conversations can still be difficult, so I suggest finding an unoccupied time for you two to talk. You can say something along the lines of, “something happened between me and ____ a month before you, and I started dating. (Details here). I feel upset about this because _____. I hope this does not get in the way of our relationship.” Then, allow your partner to respond (hopefully with positive reassurance). Here are more tips to help you with this conversation:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.understood.org/en/family/relationships/significant-other/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
Do not hesitate to reach out to us again and update us on your wellbeing. We know that this healing process can be difficult, so we want to offer as much assistance as possible.
Sending love and support,
Helen
Hello, just wondering if my ask might've been missed or unseen? Should I repost just in case? :) thank you <3