I have spent the last 4 months constantly in some form of inpatient care unit. They sent me home recently and have said I need to adjust to being back in society. I do not feel safe out of care, the last few times I was sent home I ended up back in ED. But ultimately the issue is that I don’t see how I will ever not feel this way. I don’t want to be alive, I hate myself and I think that everyone would be better off without me. This makes me feel like I am wasting everyone’s time and I should just end it all now to stop taking up space in the already overcrowded mental health system. Is it even possible to get back to normal at this point? I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Generalised Anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder and BPD (which I am struggling to come to terms with). I don’t know how to come back from all of this. Any advice is much appreciated, I am sorry this is so long.
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Adjusting to life outside of any kind of hospital is never easy; you get used to hospital beds, food, nurses, and doctors coming in and out. In your case, it sounds like an even rougher transition.
The point of inpatient care is to keep you safe and press the reset button. It’s designed to lower your stress levels and give you a chance to breathe. A good inpatient program aims to prepare you for life outside the hospital. It sounds like you’re falling through the gaps in the inpatient-to-outpatient transition. This is a thing that many folks who have had hospital stays deal with.
These articles explain that gap more:
http://blog.asianhhm.com/five-ways-to-adjust-to-life-after-being-in-hospital/
https://www.mcleanhospital.org/sites/default/files/shared/McL_Family_Transition_Guidev071515.pdf
https://www.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/suicide-risk-practices-in-care-transitions-11192019.pdf
I want to remind you that you absolutely deserve proper care. You have a lot on your plate, so why not get all the help you can? It’s not your fault if the mental healthcare system is overcrowded; it’s even more reason why more countries need to take mental health seriously. It’s a symptom of a larger problem; you are not at fault here.
What I see is that, in an inpatient unit, you have a lot of structure. You have healthcare professionals who know what you need and make sure you get it. When you’re on the outside, it’s harder because you don’t have all of that structure anymore. There’s a segment of the Netflix show BoJack Horseman that talks about this; the main character goes to rehab and fears leaving because he worries he’ll just relapse. His therapist tells him that he has to leave eventually, and suggests he seek out a psychologist, go to AA meetings, etc. The point is, when you’re on the outside, it feels like you’re on your own and it must be scary just trying to navigate the system.
That’s why more and more inpatient care facilities are working to create much smoother transitional programs for people so that they don’t feel so alone and scared. If you’re still in an inpatient unit, definitely try to get involved with creating a plan with your healthcare providers; they are there to advocate for you and get you the help you need. Please, open up to them and tell them about your fears and feelings; they will make sure that you have the support you need.
I do worry that you’re showing signs of suicidal ideation and I understand why you feel that way because you explain it so well in your post. I want to remind you that you absolutely deserve to be here and you absolutely deserve help. Please do whatever you can to stay; it’s going to take trial and error to figure out exactly what sort of treatments you’ll need. It’s okay to have to change medications, it’s okay to try different therapists or forms of therapy, it’s okay to have good days, and it’s okay to have bad days.
It feels like you have the opposite of the Not-Sick-Enough stigma about mental illness; you feel like you have too much going on to be worthy of help. This stigma says that people have to be unwell enough to deserve help. This article from The Mighty explains it quite well: https://themighty.com/2016/06/feeling-like-youre-not-sick-enough-to-get-mental-health-treatment/. Any mental health professional worth their degree(s) will tell you that the earlier people seek help, the easier their symptoms and illnesses are to manage.
Having more than one mental illness at a time is nowhere near as uncommon as some folks may think; for example, many folks struggle with both anxiety and depression because they’re essentially two sides of the same awful coin. Yours are all very related to each other; they tend to share symptoms and root causes. If you want to learn more about this situation, known as comorbidity, take a look at this article: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4392551/
Developing an outpatient plan of action means you’re taking the steps to learn how to manage your mental illnesses; you’re taking back control of your life. Yes, it’s going to be scary and difficult, but keep at it and you’ll get there. Take it one day at a time and one step at a time.
We’re always here if you need any help.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello, Kate! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. One of our team members will answer your submission shortly. Stay strong, lovely.