4 years ago my best friend ended her life, she was my light, someone who made me beyond happy. Her death was sudden, and when it happened we were young. I feel it was a big trauma in my life, I have never been able to truly move on. I have triggers surrounding what happened that cause panic attacks and bouts of extreme depression. After she died I made friends with a lovely girl who had stable mental health and was good for me. She lives across the country so we were online friends. In the past 2 years her mental health has become increasingly unstable, she was diagnosed with BPD, as well as other things. The relationship became very very toxic, she would harm herself to manipulate me and I felt as if I couldn't leave because sometimes she was nice, and other than her I had no friends. 2 weeks ago she attempted suicide, i saw it coming, she kept telling me she was going to do it. I dont know what it was but probably the trauma of what happened 4 years ago took over me, I felt powerless and as if I couldn't help her. I could barely respond the messages she was sending me, she told me repeatedly she was going to hurt herself and I did nothing. Then she did and ended up in hospital. When I found out I broke, all the bad memories came flooding back, I relapsed and became quite unstable myself, I had to leave university and come back home. I ended up saying to her that I couldn't help her and I deleted my social media so she couldn't contact me. I did all that while she was suffering in hospital and I feel like an awful friend for abandoning her. Last night I messaged her to apologise. She responded telling me that her attempt was my fault, she told me I make her want to die and that I am a terrible friend. She even said "I should have known better" talking about what happened 4 years ago. I can't cope with this, she blocked me on everything so I can't even explain myself. I feel as I did all those years ago, I couldn't save my best friend and now I just watched while my new friend tried to kill herself. I feel such guilt and shame, I made a mistake by abandoning her when she needed me the most. She will never forgive me. Why can't I just have mentally stable friends who make me happy? I just want to be loved and cared for, and I want someone I can be happy with rather than sad. I am so alone right now. I dont know what to do anymore.