I recently graduated but I don't know what do to do anymore. My days are taking care of my grandma but all she does is argue with me when I'm trying to help her so now I just let her do whatever she wants. Sometimes, when I walk by or talk to my stepdad, he looks at me as if I am stupid. Today he yelled at me when my mom yelled at me for leaving the door open because the ac was on but I only had it opened for at least 5 mins before they got home. Instead of reasoning with one another, all they did was yell at me on how much they spent money on the electricity bill. My mother wasn't really there for me when I was a child. I know she tries her best but I feel like there's no point since I'm older now. My stepdad isn't really a dad to me, he's more like a friend since he never tried doing any parenting bonding with me. So, when he yells at me, I feel like he's just a stranger yelling at me. I was neglected as a child so I don't understand parental bonding or a parents love. For the past few days, I been thinking about how would I die. There are times when I'm building one of my model kits, I always look at the blade cutter and would think should I end my life now because I don't even know why I was even born to begin with. I usually stop myself from doing it because of my friends but right now, I feel like I'm reaching my limit. I think this incident with the door being opened and being yelled at is making me feel this way. I'm just tired of it all.
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My sincere apologies for the delay with this one! I suffered from acute bronchitis, so it was difficult to maintain Asking Jude's activity:
I honestly do not blame you for feeling the way you do; it sounds like you have people in your family that you cannot count on to love and support you properly. That being said, it does not mean all is lost; there is hope to build a better life for yourself, and you can only do that if you stick around.
Mom does not sound like a happy person, and it sounds like she’s with someone who’s just as miserable to be around. People tend to do that; to quote the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Mom seems to think that she does not deserve much love, so she stays with your cranky stepdad. Perhaps she doesn’t love herself very much, so she settles for miserable people because she doesn’t think she deserves better. It’s great that you have some understanding and empathy for mom because it means you recognize that she’s a human being, just like you. It shows that you have indeed grown up. I recommend that book because it’s a great treatise on learning when to take action and when to sit back and observe, but be advised that it talks about violence, alcohol use, and sexual abuse.
The situation you are in right now is very challenging because your family is supposed to create a healthy foundation for you. They are responsible for teaching you how to behave, take care of yourself, and love yourself and others. A lot of parents forget that their relationships become models for their children, so whatever the kids see is what they think will be normal. Your parents and family members are supposed to be good role models for you. If mom wasn’t a very reliable parent, that might mean you learned not to trust people because, if you couldn’t count on your own mom, then who can you count on? If she settled for cranky stepdad, then that might mean you see bickering and complaining and yelling at each other as normal. If there are no reasonable conversations or conflict resolutions, then you have to learn those lessons elsewhere (which you can).
This article explains a lot more about the importance of parents being good role models and identifying good ones for their kids: https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/focus-parents/role-model-promise-peril/
I do not say any of this to villainize your mom or stepdad here because that is not helpful, but I do want to point out that neglect is a passive form of abuse. Even if they provided for your physical needs, not providing for your emotional and psychological needs is a form of neglect. Children need healthy attachments with their parents and caregivers in order to develop healthy attachments to others. These effects can be seen in adulthood.
If you are concerned about your ability to form close relationships with others, this article explains more about trust and attachment theory: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337
This article explains more about emotional neglect in childhood and the effects it can have in adulthood: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202303/5-triggers-for-adults-with-childhood-emotional-neglect
I see that your mom hasn’t forgotten that her job as a parent did not end the day you became an adult; too many parents seem to think that’s the case. I think that, if mom wants to help rebuild your relationship, it’s worth it to give it a go. Perhaps mom will open up to you and share more about the decisions she made while you were a kid, not to justify them, but to help you better understand her. If you feel up for it, perhaps you and mom could start spending some more quality time together. Maybe you two can go to the park together or go to a nice cafe and have some coffee/tea and a little snack. Perhaps getting out of the house together can help you two feel calmer and better able to restore your relationship.
How would she feel about a family therapy session- just the two of you? If you want to improve your relationship with her, then a family therapist would be instrumental in that because they can help you both develop better communication skills, resolve conflicts, and more. Sometimes, it helps to just have that unbiased professional third party in the mix so that issues are actually resolved and not just shoved under the rug.
Speaking of relationships with parents, you don’t have to be close with your stepdad if you don’t want to be. That’s completely valid. Not everyone is able to be close with their parents or stepparents after they grow up; we become our own people, and sometimes, we just don’t gel very well with the people who raised us. That is okay. All I can suggest is show him basic courtesy and respect and that’s it; if he won’t put in effort into your relationship with him, then why should you? I say that because it is the parent/stepparent’s job to put in the effort, first. They are/were the adult, after all, so how can you expect to be close to someone who didn’t show you a healthy effort when you were younger?
Another thing you can do is stay away from home as much as you can. Go to the library, cafe, bookstore, park, a friend’s house, anywhere that lets you feel happier and more comfortable. Spend time with people who want to be around you and show you healthy love; it makes it that much harder to tolerate anything less!
I highly recommend seeking out a therapist, too; having that aforementioned unbiased third party professional definitely helps you better make sense of your feelings and your struggles. If you can go to a physical office, that may help you stay out of the house some more; that being said, the pandemic has definitely expanded Telehealth options for behavioral and mental health providers, so that’s definitely worth looking into. If you want a place to get started, there are apps like BetterHelp and sites like Headway. Most providers can work with you if you’re concerned about costs, so feel free to ask.
If you do have thoughts of self-harm, know that you are not alone. I know of an app that can help called Calm Harm. If you feel those urges, open the app and choose from a variety of safe activities to redirect your feelings, calm the urges, and more. They have different categories of activities to suit your needs. It is helpful if you have urges, but if you feel like you are in an emergency and fear you
are a danger to yourself or others, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline exists for situations like that:
https://988lifeline.org/
I would say treat it like you would treat a fire extinguisher; in case of emergency, break glass (call/text the number).
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello, @Xia Eccles ! I hope you're well. One of our peer counsellors, Angelica, will be answering you shortly. Until then, stay strong.