I don't really even know how to start this. I feel like crap all the time, and the other night I kept myself up until 6 in the morning just thinking about a bad falling out that I had with a friend. I ruined the best relationship I had in my life and it's been three years but I don't know how to move on. She keeps coming up everywhere, little things remind me of her and I caught myself humming her favorite song the other day. I'm worried that all of my relationships will end like that one did, and once I started thinking about it and thinking about myself, I wondered if I was actually just a bad person. Maybe I just deserve to suffer, because I'm a piece of shit with no direction in life. I can't even write anymore. I used to be able to churn out a story in a day, but now I open a document and nothing comes out.
There's something that's really been scaring me though. Last night I kept imagining myself downing a handful of pills, and it was a horrifying thought, but I almost wondered if it wouldn't just be better to do it. I mean, I'm barely a functioning person anyway, so would it really be that big of a loss? I don't think I'm actually a suicide risk, because I know I could never do that to my family, but it scares me that I'm thinking about it, and it scares me even more that at times it sounds like a good option.
This specific 'ask' was painful for me to read. Em S. does not go into detail about her family and if there was more information about her family that might shed more light on her predicament. I am convinced that this situation with the pandemic has something to do with the situation Em S. is in. The notion that someone thinks they are a piece of shit really upsets me. On top of that, I'm thinking about my life and the fact that there is an individual that I am not communicating with for something he said to me. Once the guidelines are relaxed or done away with, I expect to be communicating with that individual, again. I hope the situation that Em S. is in improves...