I don't really even know how to start this. I feel like crap all the time, and the other night I kept myself up until 6 in the morning just thinking about a bad falling out that I had with a friend. I ruined the best relationship I had in my life and it's been three years but I don't know how to move on. She keeps coming up everywhere, little things remind me of her and I caught myself humming her favorite song the other day. I'm worried that all of my relationships will end like that one did, and once I started thinking about it and thinking about myself, I wondered if I was actually just a bad person. Maybe I just deserve to suffer, because I'm a piece of shit with no direction in life. I can't even write anymore. I used to be able to churn out a story in a day, but now I open a document and nothing comes out.
There's something that's really been scaring me though. Last night I kept imagining myself downing a handful of pills, and it was a horrifying thought, but I almost wondered if it wouldn't just be better to do it. I mean, I'm barely a functioning person anyway, so would it really be that big of a loss? I don't think I'm actually a suicide risk, because I know I could never do that to my family, but it scares me that I'm thinking about it, and it scares me even more that at times it sounds like a good option.