I don't really even know how to start this. I feel like crap all the time, and the other night I kept myself up until 6 in the morning just thinking about a bad falling out that I had with a friend. I ruined the best relationship I had in my life and it's been three years but I don't know how to move on. She keeps coming up everywhere, little things remind me of her and I caught myself humming her favorite song the other day. I'm worried that all of my relationships will end like that one did, and once I started thinking about it and thinking about myself, I wondered if I was actually just a bad person. Maybe I just deserve to suffer, because I'm a piece of shit with no direction in life. I can't even write anymore. I used to be able to churn out a story in a day, but now I open a document and nothing comes out.
There's something that's really been scaring me though. Last night I kept imagining myself downing a handful of pills, and it was a horrifying thought, but I almost wondered if it wouldn't just be better to do it. I mean, I'm barely a functioning person anyway, so would it really be that big of a loss? I don't think I'm actually a suicide risk, because I know I could never do that to my family, but it scares me that I'm thinking about it, and it scares me even more that at times it sounds like a good option.
This specific 'ask' was painful for me to read. Em S. does not go into detail about her family and if there was more information about her family that might shed more light on her predicament. I am convinced that this situation with the pandemic has something to do with the situation Em S. is in. The notion that someone thinks they are a piece of shit really upsets me. On top of that, I'm thinking about my life and the fact that there is an individual that I am not communicating with for something he said to me. Once the guidelines are relaxed or done away with, I expect to be communicating with that individual, again. I hope the situation that Em S. is in improves...
Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m very sorry to hear about the falling out with your friend and the way it continues to hurt you today. I can only imagine how painful this must be, so thank you for opening up to Asking Jude and allowing us to try and help you.
Although I do not know why the friendship between you and her ended, I do know that whatever happened should not define who you are as a person. Every single one of us has made serious mistakes that we regret. Sometimes, those mistakes can harm the people we love most. It is then our responsibility to sincerely apologize for our wrongdoing, forgive ourselves for what we did, actively do better in the future.
If you have not apologized to your friend already, I recommend doing so. This can allow you to cope with the harmful emotions you are feeling right now (here is a link to some emotional benefits of apologizing: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200207/the-power-apology). Remember that apologizing to someone does not mean they are required to forgive you. They may still be in pain from what happened and may not want to risk that happening again. Still, apologizing is a sign of maturity and can help you overcome the regret you feel. Here are some tips to formulating a sincere apology: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-apologize-more-sincerely-3144467
The next step is to forgive yourself. Avoid dwelling on mistakes you have learned from and commit yourself to doing better. It sounds like you already made the first step, which was acknowledging that you made a mistake. Now, I recommend reminding yourself often that your mistakes do not have to define you.To learn how to forgive yourself, visit this link: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-forgive-yourself
I know you mentioned that you do not think you are a suicide risk, but I recommend speaking with a counselor anyway. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, and counseling can help you practice self-forgiveness and cope with suicidal thoughts. Here is a link to finding a therapist near you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. Or, if you prefer hotlines and textlines, here are some as well:
-National Suicide Prevention Hotline (U.S.):
1-800-273-8255
-https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
-http://www.contacthelpline.org/emotional-listening-support
-Telephone Helpline: 877-995-5247 or download the Safe Helpline app on your phone
-Crisis Helpline: 800-233-4357
-Crisis Chat: https://www.contact-usa.org/chat.html
-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741
-Teenline (https://teenlineonline.org/talk-now/) (open from 6pm-9/10pm each night): 310-855-HOPE (4673) or 800-852-8336 or text “TEEN” to 839863
More telephone numbers can be found here: https://psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/
Lastly, do not hesitate to reach out to friends and family for help. Feeling alone during this time may not effective at helping you recover. I suggest reaching out to loved ones and accepting the company and support they offer you.
Sending love and support,
Helen