Why is it that boys/men aren’t allowed to have negative emotions? Friends, partners, everyone might allow you 5 minutes of being upset before they tell you to man up. Promises of forever, unconditional love, and unending support don‘t seem to count if you’re a boy. Why are the only friends I can rely on a piece of steel and a bottle of alcohol?
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I have two words for you: toxic masculinity.
According to The Good Men Project, "Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood (http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2015/04/reclaiming-manhood-detoxifying-toxic-masculinity/), designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured, while supposedly “feminine” traits – which can range from emotional vulnerability (http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/11/finding-strength-through-vulnerability/) to simply not being hypersexual (http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/05/the-problem-with-male-virginity/) – are the means by which your status as “man” can be taken away.”
This is the site it came from: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-difference-between-toxic-masculinity-and-being-a-man-dg/ (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-difference-between-toxic-masculinity-and-being-a-man-dg/)
More specifically, this is to say that these toxic norms have been baked into many cultures’ definitions of masculinity and are hard to extricate. The stoicism that you mention, the lack of emotional support for men, the maladaptive coping mechanisms that men are encouraged to adopt, they are all part and parcel of toxic masculinity. A lot of cultures expect men to repress their emotions or pretend like they don’t have them at all; usually, the only ones that they are “allowed” are anger, arousal, and hunger. This is because emotions are seen as for women, only. We’re supposed to be the “emotional” ones and men are supposed to be the “rational” ones.
These ideas stretch back through the Victorian Era all the way back to Ancient Greece. From many of my literature courses, I learned that Victorian society was incredibly repressive; this extended to both men and women. Women who were rather emotional were considered “hysterical,” while men were thought to just naturally be able to keep themselves in check at all times. This era also was not known for emotional support or even proper psychiatric support! So it didn’t matter if you were a man or a woman; no one talked about anything during this time frame, so you had to keep everything to yourself. If anything about you or your family was less than perfect, you were the subject of gossip and mockery.
That being said, men didn’t always keep each other at arm’s length and men weren’t always so isolated. You can look to the Ancient Greeks, Romans, and Feudal Japanese for starters; these cultures all produced fearsome warriors who were encouraged to bond with each other so that they would fight alongside each other better in battle. While most of these men eventually married women and had children, generally speaking, these men received emotional support and intimacy largely from other men.
Feudal Japan had a more flexible attitude towards male bonding and even towards homo- and bisexuality. They seemed to have more of a “both, both is good” attitude while the Ancient Greeks couldn’t keep their misogyny out of their bonding rituals. Even there, they had very clear attitudes and hierarchies for more intimate activities. There was a clear pipeline of gay -> feminine -> weak. That pipeline is a foundational piece of toxic masculinity and something that you will find prevalent throughout history and across cultures.
Here are a few articles if you are interested in more of these folks’ history:
https://www.neh.gov/article/lovers-and-soldiers (https://www.neh.gov/article/lovers-and-soldiers)
https://medium.com/lessons-from-history/sacred-band-of-thebes-4d3ae20987ec (https://medium.com/lessons-from-history/sacred-band-of-thebes-4d3ae20987ec)
https://www.tofugu.com/japan/gay-samurai/ (https://www.tofugu.com/japan/gay-samurai/)
There is a LOT to be said about toxic masculinity alone because it certainly deserves research. Here are just a few sources:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/22/us/toxic-masculinity.html (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/22/us/toxic-masculinity.html)
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/02/toxic-masculinity-history/583411/ (https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/02/toxic-masculinity-history/583411/)
https://www.learningforjustice.org/magazine/what-we-mean-when-we-say-toxic-masculinity (https://www.learningforjustice.org/magazine/what-we-mean-when-we-say-toxic-masculinity)
The important thing to remember is that none of this is meant to attack men; it is to draw attention to the real problems that they face and to the structures and systems that perpetuate them. Until those are dismantled and recreated, we will still face these same problems; you see that some elements of history are repeating themselves, such as through the aforementioned timeline of gay -> feminine -> weak.
It’s also important to remember that there is no one right way to be a man. You are free to define that for yourself; you are free to pick what elements of masculinity suit you best or reject them altogether. I strongly recommend exploring both toxic and healthy masculinity as it may help you shed some of the pressure you feel. When you see that most gender roles and rules come from humans trying to simplify the inherent complexity of human nature, you may feel a sense of relief.
This may help you get started:
https://www.romper.com/p/9-books-that-teach-healthy-masculinity-to-young-boys-54120 (https://www.romper.com/p/9-books-that-teach-healthy-masculinity-to-young-boys-54120)
I know of a film you may like called Beyond Beats and Rhymes, which explores the role of masculinity in rap and hip-hop. You will see the pressure to perform toxic masculinity on the singers and dancers because the suits say that’s what sells. They think that people want the same recycled depictions of toxic masculinity and being a gangster, but the film shows otherwise.
I know I have shared a lot of material so far, but there is more to go. I know that you mentioned emotional support as a major topic of your ask, so I encourage you to learn about emotional labor. This is essential to building and maintaining healthy relationships with other people in general, both in our work and personal lives.
I highly recommend Arlie Hochschild’s The Managed Heart as this essay is the start of the conversation of emotional labor. She defines it as “This labor requires one to induce or suppress feeling in order to sustain the outward countenance that produces the proper state of mind in others.” While it may sound almost parasitic, it is a way of saying you are putting your emotions aside temporarily to help someone else manage theirs. For examples, when a friend comes to you with a problem, it’s not best to jump into problem-solving mode right away because your friend may feel alienated and like you don’t
actually care that they’re dealing with that problem. Emotional labor requires acknowledgement of the other person’s situation and their feelings about it, which isn’t always easy to do. But emotional labor is part and parcel of good emotional support.
I have a link to a PDF here:
https://caringlabor.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/the-managed-heart-arlie-russell-hochschild.pdf (https://caringlabor.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/the-managed-heart-arlie-russell-hochschild.pdf)
Lastly, I will close this on a fun note. The show
Saturday Night Live did a sketch about mens’ loneliness called Man Park. It’s both funny and heartwarming. This article breaks it down and has a link for you to watch it:
https://www.upworthy.com/men-loneliness-and-finding-friends (https://www.upworthy.com/men-loneliness-and-finding-friends)
I think the best part of that sketch is that it shows men can change their situations; they just need to be willing to take that first step.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
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