I’ve been in recovery for an ED for about a year now and I’ve slowly been getting better - I hate it. I hate gaining weight, eating, being happier. But I’ve lost that sense of overt self control and I hate that too. I know I‘m supposed to get better but I just want to be back to the start because then I won’t have to miss my ED. How do I stop thinking about this?
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Eating disorders are not always about body image or weight; they are often about control, as you are experiencing. It’s alright to feel conflicted like this. It’s a very common thing that people who are recovering from EDs go through! It’s unfortunate that it’s so hard to adjust to recovery, but it’s because it’s unfamiliar territory for you. You’re used to the chaos of an ED, and no longer used to better habits. ED are comforting in their own way because they provide control, and recovery is a stark change like any other that is often difficult.
The questions I’ll ask are all meant to help you examine your feelings and help you decide how to proceed.
What can you focus on that makes you feel good about yourself? A new bath bomb? A hobby that fell by the wayside? Spending time with family or friends that don’t comment on your weight or food choices? A book or game you’ve been aching to start? It might be best to choose hobbies or things that don’t involve food or exercise or mentions of weight (or at least do not make these the focal points) as it will give your mind a break from thinking about any of this.
That being said, I don’t mean endlessly distract yourself, either, because that becomes counter-productive. But being able to occupy enough of your time with things that you enjoy and that you have a healthy amount of control over will go a long way in helping you stay steady on your path to recovery. Additionally, spending time with people who love you (that is, people who accept and respect you as you are) can go a long way because they remind you that there is more to life than your weight, your size, etc. They remind you that you are worthy of love as you are.
Learning how to identify and manage triggers will go a long way in your recovery. If you have encountered some already, what do those triggers usually involve? Is it something you saw, read, or heard? What do they encourage you to do? How do you feel when you encounter them? Triggers can be sneaky sometimes, and it’s okay if you feel caught off-guard once in a while. You can’t predict when they will arise, but you can learn how to manage them so you feel better prepared.
These articles explain more:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/3-tips-coping-triggers-eating-disorder-recovery
https://www.everydayhealth.com/eating-disorders/ways-to-manage-eating-disorder-triggers-outside-the-treatment-center/
On another note, why do you not like eating? Do you not enjoy cooking or baking? Or do you not like worrying how your food will affect you once you eat it? Do you worry you will struggle with picking food to eat/make? Or struggle with portion sizes? Or feel guilt for eating/not eating certain foods?
It’s very normal to struggle with developing a healthy relationship with food when you’re in recovery for an ED- whether it’s for the first time or for the umpteenth time. Even folks who don’t have EDs can struggle! It’s largely due to the morality assigned to a lot of food, which often comes from diet and exercise ads. Recent generations have grown up with unrealistic ideas surrounding health and body image, which has created damaging mindsets in many people.
I have a couple of articles here that explain more:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/how-have-healthy-relationship-food
https://www.everydayhealth.com/eating-disorders/disordered-eating-or-eating-disorder-how-to-tell-the-difference/
Since the holidays are here, I have one more article for you that should help with keeping up with recovery during the holiday season:
https://www.everydayhealth.com/eating-disorders/ways-to-manage-an-eating-disorder-during-the-holidays/
In summary, it’s okay to feel the conflicting things that you do. ED recovery is HARD! I hope that all these resources will help you feel a little less frustrated with yourself.
If you have any other questions, feel free to reach out.
Happy holidays!
Angelica Barile
Hello there, @Caitlin Kukavica ! Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. One of our peer counsellors, Angelica, will be answering you shortly. Until then, stay strong!