I really need some help...
I have periods of time (could be from 1 minute to over a day) where I either feel like I'm not real, everything else isn't real, or both. At first it was every once in a while, but now it's gotten a lot more frequent, to the point where it makes it difficult for me to do anything. It's really bad, and I can't even look at the sky anymore without feeling like I'm going to throw up. For a while, it was manageable, but now whenever I look at an object I feel like something's off; it's either too detailed or not detailed enough, a slight shade different than it "should" be, doesn't look like how I remember it to be, etc. I think it's going to keep on getting worse, because earlier today I couldn't even look at my reflection. There's just a voice in my head now that tells me that nothing is real. I don't even feel like I am actually in my body, I have a constant headache all the time, and I can barely remember my name. I think this started happening because I've consumed so much media (for example, books, webtoons, TV series, movies, sometimes even daydreaming), but now the only way for me to get my mind off of feeling like nothing exists is to consume more media, which then furthers the problem. I really don't want to be alive anymore because my brain just hurts all the time. Any suggestions on how I could try to fix this?
Hi love,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are going through this; I am sure it has been a difficult and confusing situation to navigate. From what you have described, it sounds like you are experiencing dissociative episodes. These usually serve as a coping mechanism in response to stressful events or high-anxiety situations, and can be challenging to live with.
Here is some information that might help you understand what you are going through: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215; https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/dissociative-disorders/.
If you are able, I would recommend speaking to a mental health professional. A therapist can provide you with coping mechanisms or medication that will help you feel more grounded and connected to your surroundings, and they can help you manage your episodes when they happen again. Many people who experience dissociative episodes benefit from breathing exercises and journaling. You can try writing detailed descriptions of your life and your identity, and you can read them when you feel like you are dissociating.
Here are some resources that discuss dissociation and how to cope with it in further detail: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/coping-with-dissociation/; https://newviewpsychology.com.au/strategies-to-reduce-dissociation/.
It is also important to address your thoughts on not wanting to live anymore. I completely understand how overwhelming it feels to dissociate continuously, but it is important that you communicate these thoughts to someone (for example, a therapist, your parents, your close friends, etc.) so that they can help you cope with them. If you are not ready to communicate with them yet, there are other resources available so that you receive the help you need.
Here are some examples of 100% anonymous hotlines and online chats with licensed therapists: The 988 lifeline is a 24/7 available lifeline that offers anonymous care for those with suicidal thoughts: https://988lifeline.org
Here is a link where you can anonymously chat with a therapist: https://www.7cups.com/?correlationId=9e0ee25e-9b29-48fe-b015-cfbfc3657197. Here are a few more additional links that relate to suicide prevention: https://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html; https://befrienders.org/.
Please remember that whatever feelings you are having right now are not permanent, and that there are numerous amazing things you have yet to experience in your life.
Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude, and please do not hesitate to reach out again. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and I wish you all the best.
Love,
Jimena