So I’ve kind of been questioning my sexuality for a while now. It started when I was like 11 and thought that I might be a lesbian. At the time I was very ashamed of this and hated myself for it, so I tried really hard to convince myself that I wasn’t. These thoughts of shame continued for years. And whenever I felt a bit attracted to a woman I would repress those feelings straight away. I think I hated the thought of not having a “perfect life” with a husband and kids. Later on around like age 15 I started to think that I might be bi. Because I must like women if I feel so ashamed about it, and I think I like men because I have had in real life crushes on them. But again, I didn’t know if I ever actually was attracted to men or if I just had crushes on them because that is what society expects and almost pressures you into having.
And I don’t know if I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m bi, so that I can have the option of dating men, because I don’t want to date women ( because of my shame)
Recently I have been more open to the idea of liking women, and have gone from thinking I was straight to bi. But the thing is, I don’t have a clue what I am. I feel some sexual attraction to men when I watch porn (sorry if that was too much information) but I don’t know if I do in real life? I have zero sexual or romantic experience (and I’m 18 now, so I feel like that’s kind of uncommon) so I don’t really have any way to confirm what I feel? I’m just so afraid that I’m going to end up with a husband and then figure out that I’m actually not attracted to men at all. I just really want to figure out my sexuality.
So I don’t really know what my question for you is but I’m just feeling kind of hopeless right now. So if you or anyone else has some advice or just want to share some thoughts it would be very appreciated.