Hi guys,
Hope you are all well and taking care of yourselves during this time.
I just wanted to ask for some advice.
I am in a long distance relationship with a guy. But he is very insecure, I have tried to be understanding but it is becoming very stressful for me.
If I am not what he classes as 'busy' it means I should be replying to him. So if I am just chilling and don't want to be on my phone he gets upset. Someone in my family passed and I was taking time for myself and family and he was getting upset and taking it personally. If I talk to other people he gets very jealous, so I don't have any friends, he says thats not his fault because he is ok with me having friends but he get jealous if I speak to anyone? At university I was doing a group project and I HAD to tell them I had a boyfriend even though I had just met them. The other day he told me he had a nightmare that I was with someone else because we didn't call one night. If I don't feel like calling one night he takes it very personally. He tells me that I should be flattered that someone cares about me this much, but I don't. I feel sick and trapped and we don't even see eachother in real life
I understand having insecurities but at what point is enough, enough? I don't know.
I think I am also scared because I am 24 years old and never been in a relationship in real life and I am scared I will never find anyone so I put up with it.
Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m very sorry to hear about the difficulties with your boyfriend. It sounds like he suffers from very serious low self-esteem, which he takes out on you and your relationship. Without putting words in his mouth, I assume that him receiving your frequent attention gives him reassurance that you desire him. When he does not receive that validation (e.g. when you’re busy and cannot text him back), he feels insecure in himself (see here for more information: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/signs-possessiveness). These are issues he must deal with but are in no way your fault or responsibility.
To answer your question, it is enough when you decide it is enough. You are never under any obligation to stay with someone, regardless of how they treat you, how long you have been with them, or how much they may beg you not to leave them. You may have heard the saying that a partner does not complete you, rather they complement you instead. This is because you are your own individual inside and outside of any relationship, and your happiness, health, and wellbeing are priorities not meant to be sacrificed for someone else. So, if you are feeling sick and trapped with him, you have every right to walk away. A piece of you will not go missing.
I also want to clarify that the way he treats you is not flattery. Prohibiting you from having friends and demanding all of your attention are ways of controlling you (more information on this here: https://www.healthline.com/health/controlling-people#how-to-get-help). Remember that you are not someone to be controlled; you are your own person with your own life, and a significant other should not attempt to take that away from you.
I know you expressed concern about not being able to find someone else. I recommend questioning the thoughts that make you believe you won’t. For example, what makes you feel this way? Is there evidence that your past of not being in relationships predicts your ability to form future ones? Here are some more questions to ask yourself in order to challenge negative thoughts like these: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-s-mental-health-matters/201509/7-ways-deal-negative-thoughts%3famp. Also, check out this link for combatting worries about never finding a significant other: https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6787/optimism-never-find-love/.
In the end, the choice to break up with him or not is ultimately yours. It is not an easy decision to make, so take time to decide what you believe is best for you.
Sending my love and support,
Helen