I had an argument with my mom over how I feel uncomfortable around my stepdad and why I want to stay over my aunts house. Though my stepdad has never physically put his hands on me or my brother, it still doesn’t change that he is manipulative to my mom and is generally a awful person. (Racist, homophobic, pushes his religion on others, ete.)
Despite this, my mom is quick to defend him, going as far as to turning the argument at me, saying that I don’t do chores, have bad grades, have a “negative“ attitude and I am antisocial, even saying that maybe if I left my room and put more effort in things that I’ll be “happier”. She also says that ”she’s the parent” and I should only worry about my grades.
She also makes comments about clothing I buy, one time making a comment about a jacket I really like, saying it looks ”ugly” and things she picks out for me looks better. This is ignoring the fact that she hates the stuff she bought after I wear it for a while. I try and hint to her how hurtful saying those things are to me, but they either get ignored or she makes another comment.
I don’t know what to do. Worst, some of the things she says are true, so I’m just doubting myself now. Yeah, my grades aren’t the best and I tend to neglect some chores, but does that negate the problems I have? Worst part about this whole thing is she tried to act buddy buddy with me after, as if the argument never happened. I feel like I’m falling apart. Please help.
Hello Friend,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I’m so sorry about your living situation right now. Having a new step-parent can be very stressful. I’m super proud of you for trying to talk to your mom about your feelings despite how challenging things have been for you. Even though the conversation did not go as planned, taking those steps to communicate your feelings with her is a big stride. I think the next best steps would be to reach out to friends who will support you, try talking to your mom again, and perhaps have a conversation with your stepdad about his actions.
Talk to your close friends about the struggles you are having so they can be there for you during this time. I’m not sure how old your brother is, but consider spending more time with him so you can support one another while life is being a little tumultuous. You may also consider reaching out to school counselors.
Your grades and lack of doing chores do not take value away from your feelings. You feel uncomfortable and that matters. Your feelings are real and they should be respected. Grades and chores can be worked on, but they do not negate the problems you are having.
When your mom acts as if nothing happened after an argument, it may mean that she does not understand the effects it had on you. I suggest you confront her about this, your stepfather, and her negative comments when you feel the time is best. Try to approach the conversation calmly. Structure your sentences so that you are not accusing her, but simply stating how everything has been making you feel.
Here is an example of how you can do this: "It makes me feel upset when you talk about my grades when I am expressing my feelings to you. We can talk about my grades another time, but right now I want my feelings to be heard."
It is possible for her to hear you out about this eventually. She also may not, and if she doesn’t, I don’t want you to attribute that to your grades or chores or something that you did. Sometimes people aren’t emotionally ready to talk about feelings. It may take her time to come around.
If possible, consider talking to your step-dad about homophobia, racism, and religion talk. Ask him not to talk about religion around you. If he is making racist jokes, ask him he can not make them around you anymore. I understand that this is a difficult conversation to have, but it is important for you to try to set up boundaries for yourself. If it does not go well, know that you did not do anything wrong by attempting to set a boundary for yourself.
Here is an example of what this could sound like: "It makes me uncomfortable when you talk about religion around me. I do not want you to talk about religion around me anymore. We can still talk about other topics, just not religion."
Here are some videos you might find helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbzRH_G1E_A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHe6FNDRKuA
If you need to contact someone immediately or are in crisis text or call these numbers.
Text Hotline:
Suicide Hotline by Texting HOME to tel:741741(US)
Suicide Hotline by Text Shout to tel:85258 (UK)
Suicide Hotline by Text CONNECT to tel:686868 (Canada)
Call Hotlines:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free: 1-800-273-TALK (tel:1-800-273-8255)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free (español): tel:1-888-628-9454
I hope your mom comes around to have a proper conversation with you soon. Hang tight.
Hugs,
Max