I started dating my bf over two years ago, and we have a very loving and continually improving relationship. However, when we started out my mental health was in a very bad place, and had been for a while. I had been struggling with really bad anxiety, depression, and mild self harm since I was quite young. He helped me learn how to love myself and improve my life. But when I was in that dark place in the beginning, his mom saw my self harm scars at some point or another and immediately jumped to the conclusion that I for some reason did it to make my bf feel bad or to manipulate him. It snowballed from there. His mom has never taken the time to get to know me, and makes me feel like a burden. We have to plan our dates around when he thinks his mom will be most likely to allow him (a college-aged man) to see me, which puts a bit of a strain on our relationship when seeing each other is made into such a chore for him. That is the main problem right now, and we both wish things could be easier. He tells me that this is just how she is, so is my only choice to accept that she will continue to maintain these attitudes, hope she eventually changes her mind about me, and have to deal with her making our relationship difficult?
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Logical question to ask regarding the boyfriend's mother: besides the mom's judgment of the girlfriend, are there other problems between mom and son. I note that there is no mention of a father...
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. This is a tough situation to be in. First of all, I’m so glad that you have a strong support system in the form of your boyfriend. From what I can see, he seems to care about you and your wellbeing, which is very important in any relationship.
Relationships with a boyfriend's mother are sometimes difficult. Mothers are protective of their sons, and often believe that getting a significant other will increase the distance between them. They believe that no one is deserving enough of their sons, and will, thus, approach any of the son’s potential partners with a lot of caution.
Mental health is still a fairly new topic for the older generation. There are a lot of people who are unaware of what it means or have many preconceived notions about it. Your situation is tricky because your secret was exposed without any explanations, which gave the mom time to form her own opinions on the matter. She immediately saw this a possible red flag in the relationship and refused to let anyone convince her otherwise.
You mentioned that she has never taken the time to know you, so I suggest you set up a time where you both have a deep and honest conversation about what you went through and all your struggles. When you get into a relationship with someone, you are also entering into a relationship with their family and loved ones. Talk to her. Offer to help out while doing chores. Prove to her that you want to get to know her. Let her know how much her son means to you and how much you want him to be happy. Assure her that you are committed to him.
Be yourself, but be respectful. Do not reach out to her by telling her that she has been causing problems and so you should talk to sort it out. Rather, let her know that you are aware of how important she is to your boyfriend and therefore you want to get to know her.
However, I will say that despite trying persistently to gain her favor, there are cases when the boyfriend’s mother never completely accepts his partner. In that case, I would suggest that you respectfully and calmly talk to your boyfriend about what’s been happening, and see if he can talk to her. Set boundaries and make sure that your boyfriend understands your perspective and knows where you stand. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache by just speaking out about your feelings.
Here are some articles that you may find helpful:
-https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/boyfriends-mom-approves-of-me/1613542
-https://www.hercampus.com/school/utah/what-do-when-his-mom-doesnt-you
-https://ravishly.com/his-mom-doesnt-like-you
You’ve been through so much and you deserve the world. Take care of yourself, and know that your self-worth is not determined by other people’s perceptions of you.
Wishing you all the best,
Manisha
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