I just don't know what to do, anymore.
My fiance and I have two babies, and have been together for just over two years. We have been through hell and back, and we have been through trauma in our own lives as well. Like every couple, we get into arguments, but most often they are over-the-top. Our first major argument happened "because" I forgot to pick him up from work at 5 a.m.--even though he himself said, "I don't know exactly when I'll be off". Regardless, I drove an hour to go pick him up, and still got yelled and cussed at. Somehow, things got *way* out of hand, and he even threw my sexual assault in my face--no apology, just excuses as to why it was okay for him to say.
Since then, we can never have a civil, productive disagreement. I can't even voice my emotions to him without him saying, "you're being ridiculous," "you're acting psychotic," or, "you're bitching". He actually said all three of these things this morning, because I was *sad* that I wanted to get in the shower with him, but was too busy making breakfast (we were fighting all day yesterday, and I was hoping that hopping in and having alone time with him would help smooth things over). Instead of him realizing that I was just "bummed out", he said all of these things to me.
I've sacrificed so much for him, even my family, because they don't like him and have tried desperately to split us up any way they can. I've changed my class schedule twice, with his "approval" of my schedule. But last night, he told me I am "selfish" and "only ever think about myself", because my classes "get in the way of his gym time, and he needs to go to the gym to relieve stress". Again, he was just fine with my schedule two days prior. But when I offered to change my schedule AGAIN, he got more angry and said that was "stupid". I cannot win.
There have been times that he says things like, "that's your own stupid fault (he was laying on the floor, I went to step over him, and he sat up trying to trip me)," "that's stupid," "the way you're doing that is stupid," etc. But then is adamant that he isn't *actually calling me stupid*. He will call me names and then insist he "never said that".
Lastly, I'm studying criminal justice. He wants to be a patrol officer, but my parents filed an OP on him and got his FOID revoked (they did it for revenge and it was an absolutely ignorant situation. The OP was dismissed for lack of basis by the judge). So until he gets his FOID back, he can't be a cop. I'm constantly hearing about how he "envies me". I'm constantly being reminded that, "at least YOU get to follow YOUR dreams. What about me?", which makes me feel guilty for even going to school. Then of course he back pedals and says, "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty"..ugh.
Please note: I've had bad days as well. I've called him an asshole, prick, etc., but 99% of the time, it's in retaliation to the things he says to me. Of course, I'm still made to feel guilty about calling him these things, because he insists he's done nothing wrong in order to be called those things. Yes, I know that name calling does not help, even if it is just 'giving what I get'.
Does anyone have advice about this? I'm constantly stressed out because we have two kids, and part of me still feels attached. However, the other part of me wants to have the freedom to chase my dreams without feeling guilty, and wants to be able to be themselves without being judged. Has anyone been in this predicament, or a similar one--what did you do?