im disabled, depressed and alone. im almost 25 and never had a girlfriend. ive tried everything. meeting online, dating apps etc. nothing works. nothing sticks. ill be alone forever
I’m glad you’re putting in the hard work here. Self-care isn’t easy for anyone, regardless of disabilities. Take it from someone who is a little older than you are; you have your whole life ahead of you and you have so much time to learn and grow and enjoy life. You can grow for your own sake; you can do things for yourself so you can be happy.
The difference is that you can still make your life better. It’s okay to be different. If it makes you feel any better, I’m usually the odd one out; I’m the one who doesn’t really feel like they fit in. So it sounds like you’re particularly isolated and I think that’s impacting you here. I agree with your assessment of dating apps; it’s hard to really know a person on there because you genuinely do not know who is behind the screen. People put up facades all the time on there because they don’t want to be rejected.
Meeting people organically is a great way to build meaningful connections of any sort. COVID is making that difficult, and I understand your disability also makes that harder. Are there any social media hobby groups you can join? Maybe you can find support groups about your disability? I know you said you aren’t going to school; are there any charities, organizations, volunteer groups, anything that you can do? Perhaps just getting a chance to help people will in turn help you.
I would say your best bet is to focus on being a good friend to yourself right now. You remind me of an episode of BoJack Horseman “Good Damage.” In this episode, Diane had a rough childhood and has been dealing with subsequent depression since then. She spends this episode trying so hard to write her memoir about her trauma and depression, but struggles because she can’t remember everything as clearly as she hoped she would. She feels that if she can’t put these experiences down on paper, then they are meaningless; she feels she needs to do something with this damage or else it’s just pointless.
This link explains enough of the episode without talking too much about the other storylines going on in the show.
Your story reminds me a lot of this episode because you wonder what’s the point of going to therapy, learning from life experiences, etc. Perhaps you’re wondering why you have your disability or why you have to go through all these steps to manage it. I say the point is so you can cultivate a life that you’re happy with. You learn how to manage and navigate your disability so you can thrive instead of just surviving. It’s really for your sake. I’m not trying to take you onto the toxic positivity train here; I’m trying to keep you onboard the self-care train.
Are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? This is an organized way of looking at humans’ needs; it explains how it’s hard to meet more sophisticated and complex needs when the basic ones haven’t been met yet.
So what I’m seeing here is you might be trying to jump levels or are recognizing the ones you’re having trouble reaching. It sounds like you’re doing well at the lower levels, but having trouble with the higher ones. It looks like you’re getting levels 1 and 2 down, but struggling with 3 and 4. It’s hard to grow into your authentic self when you don’t feel respected or accepted.
I’m glad you’re taking the steps to build a better life for yourself. Remember that is a very valuable goal by itself; living a life that makes you happy is an act of courage in a world that wants to sell you artificial happiness.
You’re always welcome if you have any other questions.
I’m glad you’re putting in the hard work here. Self-care isn’t easy for anyone, regardless of disabilities. Take it from someone who is a little older than you are; you have your whole life ahead of you and you have so much time to learn and grow and enjoy life. You can grow for your own sake; you can do things for yourself so you can be happy.
The difference is that you can still make your life better. It’s okay to be different. If it makes you feel any better, I’m usually the odd one out; I’m the one who doesn’t really feel like they fit in. So it sounds like you’re particularly isolated and I think that’s impacting you here. I agree with your assessment of dating apps; it’s hard to really know a person on there because you genuinely do not know who is behind the screen. People put up facades all the time on there because they don’t want to be rejected.
Meeting people organically is a great way to build meaningful connections of any sort. COVID is making that difficult, and I understand your disability also makes that harder. Are there any social media hobby groups you can join? Maybe you can find support groups about your disability? I know you said you aren’t going to school; are there any charities, organizations, volunteer groups, anything that you can do? Perhaps just getting a chance to help people will in turn help you.
I would say your best bet is to focus on being a good friend to yourself right now. You remind me of an episode of BoJack Horseman “Good Damage.” In this episode, Diane had a rough childhood and has been dealing with subsequent depression since then. She spends this episode trying so hard to write her memoir about her trauma and depression, but struggles because she can’t remember everything as clearly as she hoped she would. She feels that if she can’t put these experiences down on paper, then they are meaningless; she feels she needs to do something with this damage or else it’s just pointless.
https://www.themarysue.com/bojack-horseman-diane-nguyen-good-damage/
This link explains enough of the episode without talking too much about the other storylines going on in the show.
Your story reminds me a lot of this episode because you wonder what’s the point of going to therapy, learning from life experiences, etc. Perhaps you’re wondering why you have your disability or why you have to go through all these steps to manage it. I say the point is so you can cultivate a life that you’re happy with. You learn how to manage and navigate your disability so you can thrive instead of just surviving. It’s really for your sake. I’m not trying to take you onto the toxic positivity train here; I’m trying to keep you onboard the self-care train.
Are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? This is an organized way of looking at humans’ needs; it explains how it’s hard to meet more sophisticated and complex needs when the basic ones haven’t been met yet.
This article explains it nicely:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/our-hierarchy-needs
So what I’m seeing here is you might be trying to jump levels or are recognizing the ones you’re having trouble reaching. It sounds like you’re doing well at the lower levels, but having trouble with the higher ones. It looks like you’re getting levels 1 and 2 down, but struggling with 3 and 4. It’s hard to grow into your authentic self when you don’t feel respected or accepted.
I’m glad you’re taking the steps to build a better life for yourself. Remember that is a very valuable goal by itself; living a life that makes you happy is an act of courage in a world that wants to sell you artificial happiness.
You’re always welcome if you have any other questions.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile