im disabled, depressed and alone. im almost 25 and never had a girlfriend. ive tried everything. meeting online, dating apps etc. nothing works. nothing sticks. ill be alone forever
It’s hard to be single when it looks like everyone around you is in a relationship. It’s not fun being single when society places enormous pressure on dating and relationships. The word for that pressure is amatonormativity; this is the idea that being in a couple is the norm and being single means something is wrong with you.
I have an article from the professor who coined the term and an article about why it’s unfair:
Being single in a society that expects you to “couple up” and reproduce is an act of rebellion, whether you know it or not. People expect you to spend your 20s getting your act together so you can settle down and have children. But what if I told you that there’s nothing wrong with you for being single? What if I told you you don’t have to be in a relationship? What if I told you being single is the ultimate freedom and shouldn’t be taken for granted? What if I told you this was the time to build your life and build yourself into the ways YOU want? Given the situation you’re in, I think it’s completely fair for you to take care of yourself first, right now. What I mean by that is use this time to take care of yourself, and learn how to manage your disability/disabilities and the depression (if you haven’t already) so you can live a good life.
If you’re not in therapy yet, I strongly recommend it. If you’re in school still, see if your school offers counseling services. If you aren’t, see if your job has some sort of Employee Assistance Program. See if your parents’ insurance has something for you. Look online, do anything you can; you deserve to be happy and you deserve to find help.
These articles are not meant to just make you feel better; they really show the great parts of being single:
A word of caution: Stay away from MGTOW, Red Pill, or other similar hangouts. These groups won’t help you improve; they’ll just drag you down with them. They love to find sad, lonely people to recruit into their ranks of misery because making other people feel miserable makes them feel better about themselves. These groups just like to blame society and the people around them for their own struggles instead of actually doing something about them. It’s easy to fall into the pit of self-loathing because it’s easier to feel sorry for ourself than it is to do something about our situation.
By that same token, try to avoid the trap of thinking a girlfriend will fix you. A girlfriend (or a partner in general) is not a pacifier. Some folks idealize relationships so heavily that they think dating will fix their problems or cure their illnesses. But the truth is, people do not need others to fix them; being in a relationship, a friendship, or just having a great support network means that you have people to lean on while you heal yourself. That’s what great partners do; they support you as you learn how to take better care of yourself. They help you along the way, but they don’t take care of you FOR you; they don’t solve all your problems or fix everything for you because they’re humans, not superheroes.
Dating apps are very hit-or-miss because they all attract different crowds (or in some cases, different flavors of people you would rather not date). Online relationships can be hard to cultivate because you don’t always know who is on the other side of the screen (much like dating apps). One of the articles I mentioned discusses dating apps and why so many of them are not good choices. People treat them like they’re shopping on Amazon; they forget that there’s a real person on the other end of the device. There’s that and the fact that most people aren’t honest about their intentions.
You still deserve to be loved and respected. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. By doing this, you show people that you won’t stick around if they treat you poorly, which weeds out people who never planned on being good to you in the first place. Living an authentic life means that you can build healthier connections with people who want to be around you and treat you well. You get there by taking good care of yourself and taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.
Too many people wind up stuck in unhappy relationships because they would rather be with the wrong person than be alone. However, it’s infinitely better to be alone and happy than be with someone and be unhappy. Most people think that being alone is worse than settling, but that’s false. People get complacent in stagnant relationships; they fear change, so they hang on for far longer than they should. Remember that pesky amatonormativity? That’s why most folks are in these situations. Really think about whether you want to be in a relationship in the first place because that will stop you from rushing into something or settling.
It’s hard to be single when it looks like everyone around you is in a relationship. It’s not fun being single when society places enormous pressure on dating and relationships. The word for that pressure is amatonormativity; this is the idea that being in a couple is the norm and being single means something is wrong with you.
I have an article from the professor who coined the term and an article about why it’s unfair:
https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/
https://www.thecut.com/2017/03/amatonormativity-everybody-should-be-coupled-up.html
Being single in a society that expects you to “couple up” and reproduce is an act of rebellion, whether you know it or not. People expect you to spend your 20s getting your act together so you can settle down and have children. But what if I told you that there’s nothing wrong with you for being single? What if I told you you don’t have to be in a relationship? What if I told you being single is the ultimate freedom and shouldn’t be taken for granted? What if I told you this was the time to build your life and build yourself into the ways YOU want? Given the situation you’re in, I think it’s completely fair for you to take care of yourself first, right now. What I mean by that is use this time to take care of yourself, and learn how to manage your disability/disabilities and the depression (if you haven’t already) so you can live a good life.
If you’re not in therapy yet, I strongly recommend it. If you’re in school still, see if your school offers counseling services. If you aren’t, see if your job has some sort of Employee Assistance Program. See if your parents’ insurance has something for you. Look online, do anything you can; you deserve to be happy and you deserve to find help.
These articles are not meant to just make you feel better; they really show the great parts of being single:
https://wheresmollie.com/2015/11/10-reasons-why-being-single-in-your-20s/
https://www.bustle.com/p/9-things-no-one-tells-you-about-being-single-in-your-20s-but-i-will-8641636
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sick-being-single-forever-advice_l_5d153fc0e4b07f6ca57aaf27
A word of caution: Stay away from MGTOW, Red Pill, or other similar hangouts. These groups won’t help you improve; they’ll just drag you down with them. They love to find sad, lonely people to recruit into their ranks of misery because making other people feel miserable makes them feel better about themselves. These groups just like to blame society and the people around them for their own struggles instead of actually doing something about them. It’s easy to fall into the pit of self-loathing because it’s easier to feel sorry for ourself than it is to do something about our situation.
By that same token, try to avoid the trap of thinking a girlfriend will fix you. A girlfriend (or a partner in general) is not a pacifier. Some folks idealize relationships so heavily that they think dating will fix their problems or cure their illnesses. But the truth is, people do not need others to fix them; being in a relationship, a friendship, or just having a great support network means that you have people to lean on while you heal yourself. That’s what great partners do; they support you as you learn how to take better care of yourself. They help you along the way, but they don’t take care of you FOR you; they don’t solve all your problems or fix everything for you because they’re humans, not superheroes.
Dating apps are very hit-or-miss because they all attract different crowds (or in some cases, different flavors of people you would rather not date). Online relationships can be hard to cultivate because you don’t always know who is on the other side of the screen (much like dating apps). One of the articles I mentioned discusses dating apps and why so many of them are not good choices. People treat them like they’re shopping on Amazon; they forget that there’s a real person on the other end of the device. There’s that and the fact that most people aren’t honest about their intentions.
You still deserve to be loved and respected. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. By doing this, you show people that you won’t stick around if they treat you poorly, which weeds out people who never planned on being good to you in the first place. Living an authentic life means that you can build healthier connections with people who want to be around you and treat you well. You get there by taking good care of yourself and taking it one day at a time and one step at a time.
Too many people wind up stuck in unhappy relationships because they would rather be with the wrong person than be alone. However, it’s infinitely better to be alone and happy than be with someone and be unhappy. Most people think that being alone is worse than settling, but that’s false. People get complacent in stagnant relationships; they fear change, so they hang on for far longer than they should. Remember that pesky amatonormativity? That’s why most folks are in these situations. Really think about whether you want to be in a relationship in the first place because that will stop you from rushing into something or settling.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile