I have been in a relationship with this person for nearly 7 years. And crazily enough we have never met. I have always wanted to meet but they always make excuses. But anyway they haven't always treated me that great and I don't even know where to start. For a lot of the relationship they would go for weeks ignoring me and then pick me up again and act great for a couple of weeks. I would have done anything for them and I think they used this to make themselves feel good. They would call me names like an idiot and other words I hate to say but say this was a joke. If I got upset with anything they would call me sensitive and say I have no sense of humour. When I started therapy this person said they didn't want me to go because they were scared I would get over my social anxiety and meet other people. Also over skype they would pressure me to do things (sexually) that I wasn't comfortable with and would make comments like 'you always feel uncomfortable' or just other things which made me feel bad but doing that stuff was horrible and I have hated every minute of it. At one point I found out they were talking to multiple random girls and saying he was single and just saying very inappropriate and disgusting things to them. He of course said this was a joke and it was my fault for seeing it. He constantly makes 'jokes' about my sexuality. I am bisexual. He does stuff on camera which makes me feel so very uncomfortable but always manages to make me feel bad.
That was a couple of years ago and he says to me he is a good boyfriend. I do not want to be with him anymore. He is very insecure and I have tried to be as understanding as possible as I have had my insecurities before but I feel like I can't take it anymore. My mother passed away in june from pancreatic cancer and I have been struggling a lot. I have also been in therapy for an eating disorder. I am also an introvert. This person wants me to talk to him every minute of the day. If I don't respond quickly he gets mad or upset with me. He also get upset with me when I go to university because he is scared I will meet someone else - even if I go out with my family for like a dinner or something he is upset, When my mother passed I asked for space as I felt like I couldn't deal with a relationship at that point in time. He kept messaging me because I would reblog a couple of posts and he would get upset with me, he also knew my tumblr user and was looking at my blog at least 10x a day and I felt so uncomfortable with it.
I did try to block him a few times and try and move on but he would send me emails with very mean stuff, saying that I was heartless, I am selfish and I am worthless. He also made a comment about my mum which was horrible. After this I felt terrible and went back because I don't think I am those things. Everytime I block him he finds someway of contacting me and won't leave me alone.
I have never had any friends as I feel like he will get mad at me but as he is not close to me in rl I feel very lonely, especially with what has happened with my mum. I feel like he does not understand that I am grieving. He still pressures me into sexual things and I am tired of it, I am tired of being accused of doing things which I haven't, I am tired of him using personal things I have told him against me, I am tired of feeling worthless, I am tired of being lonely in real life to someone who I haven't met. This relationship exhausts me but for some reason I find it hard to leave and I don't know what to do.
You were not kidding when you said this person is bad for you! Oh my goodness I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this.
He cannot even be bothered to arrange to meet with you in person, but he thinks he has the right to micromanage every aspect of your life? What kind of logic is that? He could win the Olympics for mental gymnastics!
I’ll get off my soapbox now. I want to make something perfectly clear before I dive into this topic: you do not deserve to be manipulated or abused at all, whatsoever. None of this is your fault; why should you have to teach another human how to be a decent human being? Why do you have to teach him Boyfriend 101 stuff? You don’t; none of this is your fault. You are not responsible for his poor behavior. In addition, you do not need permission to break up with someone, especially when they mistreat you.
He’s displaying the classic signs of an abuser:
-Isolates you from friends and family
-Controls how you spend your time
-Demands and acts entitled to your time
-Does not want you to ever grow as a person
-Insults you and puts you down
-Gaslights you when they do the above
I hope I’m not missing anything here. I can share what I know about abusers and why they do what they do. I will also advise you on how to exit this relationship because it sounds like that’s what you want to do (and I highly recommend it).
Abusers typically isolate their victims from anyone who may help them, such as friends or family. They demand to monopolize all your time and attention because they feel entitled to it; any time spent with someone else is seen as time taken away from them. Spending time with others means that others may expose the abuser’s true nature to the victim and thus compel them to leave. In addition, they worry you’ll find another partner and leave them.
Many abusers are paper tigers like this guy; they’re cripplingly insecure, but make that your problem to deal with. They treat their partners like pacifiers and therapists and parents. Notice how he makes you feel responsible for his emotions and his problems. Notice that you always have to soothe his fragile ego but he can lash out and call you names and conveniently excuse all that away.
I have some resources here that may help:
http://loveisrespect.org
This is a website all about how to identify and escape a toxic or abusive relationship. It has a ton of resources and information about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
The rest are books about unhealthy relationships and how to recover from them:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Mind Games: Emotionally Manipulative Tactics Partners Use to Control Relationships and Force the Upper Hand by Pamela Kole
The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Other Use to Control Your Life by Dr. Robin Stern
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum
Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MaKenzie
They should all help you realize that, as I said before, his behavior is not your responsibility. In addition, while the above resources will likely cover these next few topics, I want to address them myself. It’s hard to leave a toxic or abusive relationship for a few notable reasons:
-sunk cost fallacy
-trauma bonding
-abuse has crippled the victim’s self-esteem
The Sunk Cost Fallacy
https://www.npr.org/2015/02/13/385948508/how-sunk-cost-fallacy-applies-to-love
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201409/letting-go-sunk-costs
These articles do a nice job of explaining this unhelpful idea. Basically, people stay stuck in dead-end or abusive relationships because they realize they spent so much time in it that it seems wrong to leave it. In other words, why walk away from something when you’ve already invested so much time in it? Doesn’t that make you look like you’re just giving up or wasting or losing? No. It’s better to cut your losses and leave.
Trauma bonding:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse
https://medium.com/@angrytherapist/what-is-trauma-bonding-how-to-break-from-it-8b9ef2e30f9f
Trauma bonds are bonds that form when two people experience a traumatic event together; it even applies when one person abuses another! Just to clarify, this applies to the time where you lost mom and he was supposed to provide support, but instead, he just sucked you dry emotionally. You experienced trauma and expected him to be able to support you, but instead kicked you while you were down.
Self-Esteem
https://healthtalk.org/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse-and-effects-on-womens-self-esteem
You feel like going back to him because he’s eroded your self-esteem and gaslit you into thinking you’re too soft and you deserve his abuse. It’s all nonsense; he’s eroded your self-esteem because he realizes that you could do better than him and he’s afraid of that. So he’d rather stifle your growth as a person and would rather hurt you than let you go. That’s probably the epitome of selfishness in my opinion. He would rather hurt you so you won’t leave him.
When people say “You’re too sensitive/It was just a joke/You need to lighten up,” what they’re really saying is, “Stop holding me accountable for my bad behavior; I don’t care about your feelings so stop trying to make me care.” He does not respect you nearly enough and you should not have to fight tooth and nail for the bare minimum in a relationship. This is called gaslighting; he’s making you think you are unstable and crazy and that you have no right to question his behavior. It’s one of the most messed up ways to manipulate someone because it damages their own perceptions of everything. So he erodes your self-esteem and stomps all over your boundaries so you won’t realize you deserve better and so you’ll stay and be his emotional punching bag.
That not talking to you for a few weeks and then picking up acting like everything is normal? That’s another tactic of his; it’s designed to make you feel dependent on his time and attention so he can monopolize all of yours. He’s either withdrawing as a way to either punish you or make you chase him. He doesn’t want that mask of his to fall off, after all. How can he pretend to not be a paper tiger if he can’t yo-yo his partner around? That’s what he’s doing.
If anyone tells you that Internet friendships or relationships are meaningless, your story here proves that’s not the case. You have developed a very real relationship here; it’s every bit as toxic as an in-person relationship can be. Thus, it’s going to take time to heal from it. While you may never have met him, he’s built himself up in your mind almost like a boogeyman or an ever-present shadow. In other words, you still feel his absence.
I don’t think I need to go over the sexual coercion because I think I’ve hammered it home enough that this guy is toxic and steamrolls your boundaries. He’s disgusting; he’s got Internet access, so why doesn’t he use it for his urges instead of pressuring you into doing things you don’t want to do? It’s because it’s more fun for him this way. It’s just another method of control.
As for how to leave, you do not need to tell him you’re dumping him because he won’t listen, anyway. He already knows he’s trash; he just doesn’t care that he is. Ghost him. Delete and block him from all social media and your phone and everything. Close old accounts and create new ones if you need to and block him on those, as well. If he manages to contact you, be aware he will either love bomb you or verbally attack you; both strategies are meant to make you cave and come back to him. If he sends threatening messages, screenshot them and save them and show them to law enforcement. Even if he has no idea where you live, stalking, harassment, and threats can rightfully land him in the big house. Consider it starting fresh.
I really hope that this all helps you. Please go back to therapy, too; it must have been doing some good if it scared your bf so much! Therapy will give you a place to process and heal; the therapist can also give you more advice if you want. I’m so sorry about your mother; I imagine that must’ve been nearly impossible to deal with. Grieve for her if you feel you haven’t done so yet; there is no timeline on grief. Please, above all, remember that you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life; you deserve to heal and you deserve to be respected and cared for.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello, lovely! I have relayed your submission to Angelica. She'll be answering it shortly! Thank you for supporting us.
The guy sounds like he's got a number of psychological issues and you have come to the right place to get specific information that will help you. Good luck to you...