I have a friend which I really care about and love, but she sometimes makes me think she could be a toxic friend. she's mentally unstable (I'm as well) and even though I try my best to calm down my anxiety and depression and keep going with my life, she seems to be stuck in a bad place mentally and sometimes makes me feel worse unconciously, any ideas about how to approach her about this? thank you in advance
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Hey there,
It can be unsettling when someone we love does not always show it in the best ways. It can be even more unsettling when we discover that the person we care about a lot has some toxic traits. Though we all have toxic traits, it does not mean that we have to tolerate mistreatment from others just because we care about them. Here are some signs of a person who exhibits toxic behavior: https://www.redonline.co.uk/health-self/self/a28577908/signs-a-person-is-toxic/. When a person gets stuck in a place mentally or emotionally, it can be hard to watch and be there for them. Sometimes, it can feel triggering and exhausting. Make sure you are taking time out for yourself so that you can recharge. It is okay to need time alone, or some space from this person.
It sounds like you’re ready to have a conversation with your friend about her behavior. Friends should be able to be honest with one another, even about the hard stuff—but be warned. People do not always take criticism well, and behave differently when they are hurting. I’m not saying that this conversation will end badly, but keep in mind that it has the potential to. Here are some tips on how to have tough conversations: https://leanin.org/education/managing-difficult-conversations. Timing is very important. You don’t want to have this conversation when your friend is agitated or upset. You also want to make sure you have enough time to say what you need to say without being interrupted. This conversation could also get emotional for you. Here are some tips on how to stay calm: https://hbr.org/2017/12/how-to-control-your-emotions-during-a-difficult-conversation. Try and stay focused on what you need to say. Don’t get distracted by nitpicking. What you say matters, and how you feel matters, so don’t lose sight of that.
Remember, taking a step back doesn’t mean that you don’t care. You have to think of what’s healthiest and best for you. I recommend being honest, but not cruel. You are allowed to tell your friend how you feel without being harsh. Not only does what you say matter, but how you say it does, too. Here are some tips on how to be honest, yet gentle: http://powerfulmind.co/ways-to-be-honest/.
Good luck!
Andrea