hey so I have a situation I'm not sure how to feel about with a very close friend of mine. for the record, I am aroace and I don't feel any sexual attraction to him at all. that being said, I don't know if I like him in a romantic way. I know that he fancies me, but he's always respected that I wasn't interested and has never brought it up. For a while I haven't been able to stop thinking about what it would be like to go out with him. I don't like the idea of him going out with other people it makes me feel strangely jealous even tho I know I have no right to that. I've never felt romantic feelings before so I have no idea if that is what I am feeling now. on top of that, I don't want to do anything that might ruin our friendship. Any advice?
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Hello! Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude.
It can be tricky dealing with situations in which romantic and platonic feelings overlap. It’s okay to feel unsure at first; just give yourself time to navigate the situation. Impulsive or rash decisions can make finding a solution difficult. Adequately processing your emotions will help you decide what solution is best for you and your friend.
When you're in a close friendship with someone, it's common for complex feelings to develop. It is natural to wonder what having a relationship with someone would be like. Take time to think about whether or not these are feelings of romantic attraction or just curiosity. It looks like you’ve already started to identify your emotions, which can provide clarity on how you’ve been feeling. Reflect on what you value about your other relationships. Is emotional intimacy a valuable quality? Do you require everyone have these qualities or just him? These ideas can help you figure out whether your feelings are romantic or simply your friendship growing stronger (even though it’s manifesting in a confusing way). This article provides additional information about these ideas: https://tinyurl.com/2p8n5x8v.
These articles also provide insight about the difference between platonic and romantic attraction: https://tinyurl.com/zs5zj4dh; https://tinyurl.com/3wxm66rs.
It’s great that your friend was respectful of your initial feelings; this shows that he values your friendship as much as you do. Be sure to consider both your feelings and your friend’s feelings. It’s also important to respect his boundaries since you mentioned that he has previously expressed interest in you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to do anything that would exacerbate his confusion. Also, know that there is no "right" or "normal" way to experience relationships, emotions, or attraction. It's important to consider your needs in this situation and to approach it with honesty and empathy for both yourself and your friend. It’s okay to have these feelings and not want to pursue a relationship.
This article provides insight into the different ways aromantic individuals may navigate romantic relationships: https://tinyurl.com/2p9yuwak.
Additionally, it’s not uncommon to feel a sense of jealousy when it comes to close friends or crushes. Always try to be open-minded about his boundaries and feelings. It seems like you recognize that your feelings of jealousy might not be entirely fair, which is great. Take some time to reflect on the source of your jealousy by exploring what triggers these feelings.
This article may help you better understand different types of jealousy so that you can identify what you’re experiencing: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-jealousy-5190471.
When you feel prepared, you can try having an open discussion with your friend about how you’ve been feeling recently. You may find a solution that respects both your feelings and boundaries. If you find that these feelings are romantic in any way, it’s important to communicate this with him. Try starting this conversation with something like, “I know we've talked before about how I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, but I think my feelings may have changed,” or “ I've realized that I may have feelings for you beyond friendship. I'm not sure if they're romantic, but I wanted to share this with you." Ending with something like, “I don't know what this means for us, but I wanted to be honest with you," will show him that you are aware of the complicated situation and approaching it with an open mind.
Alternatively, if you realize that these feelings aren’t romantic and you both feel comfortable with the current state of your friendship, then you may not need to discuss anything further. Just remember that unresolved feelings are valid, and if they change, it’s completely fine to have another conversation with him. Maybe say something along the lines of, “I just wanted to make sure that we're both on the same page about our friendship and to clarify where we stand with each other. Is there anything you want to talk about?" Whatever decision you make, you are always allowed to change your mind; just be sure to communicate honestly. Try to approach the situation with an open mind and without expectations to make it easier on yourself.
Please reach out again if you require additional advice. You can get through this! Mikayla