Hi!! To be honest I just needed to get this off my shoulder... I’m in a friend group of 3 (including me) and we’ve been friends over almost a year now but we were all friends before just not as a group. And my guy friend had feelings for me which i returned until our other friend started telling me that he was gay and he only liked me because he was close to me and me being an over thinker I thought about it too much and broke it off. But recently they’re going to be going on a date and I’m not sure if I should confront her about it because it makes me kind of upset that when we were pursuing each other she told me he didn’t like me for real and that I should think about it... and she told me she didn’t want to become the third wheel of the group. But now that I see that they’re pursuing each other it worries me that she lied to me... I’m not sure what to do in this situation :( because I don’t want to cause trouble in our friend group
Hi there,
I’m sorry that you are in such a difficult situation! Our friends are generally our main support system, so when there is conflict among friends, it is easy to feel alone. That is definitely motivation to avoid addressing what is happening due to the possibility of causing trouble, but remember how you are feeling. You have been hurt by your friend’s actions, and it is important to express your feelings.
You should have an honest conversation with your friends about the situation. If you are concerned that your friend may have lied to you, that feeling won’t go away- especially because their relationship is going to serve as a reminder. You should try to sit with your friend (or call them as sitting in person may be difficult at this time because of COVID-19) and tell her the truth. One really good way to do this is by using “I” statements, so that you are able to get your point across without offending her. For example, instead of saying “you’re upsetting me because what you said to me made me break up with our friend and now you are with them,” you can say “I feel upset and hurt because I feel like you lied to me.” In the sentence using an “I” statement, you are only talking about your feelings, not making accusations or placing blame.
Here are some tips on using “I” statements, including some practice that you can use:
https://compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements#:~:text=Use%20an%20%22I%22%20statement%20when,be%20simple%20and%20%22CLEAR%22.
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/words-matter-you-vs-i/
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements
As far as feeling like you’re becoming a third wheel, you should try to set boundaries with your friends. Make sure that they aren’t acting in ways that make you feel uncomfortable while you are with them. A good place to start may be asking them to limit physical contact while you are around them. This conversation may also be intimidating to have, but your friends should be understanding since they care about you. It’s also not uncommon to make these requests. People in relationships need to be mindful of those around them and act accordingly. If they are making you feel left out/uncomfortable and a bit like a third wheel, then they aren’t acting properly around you.
Here are some ways that you can work on creating and maintaining boundaries with your friends:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
https://www.thehopeline.com/healthy-boundaries-in-friendships/
https://thebecomingcounseling.com/setting-boundaries-with-friends-and-loved-ones/
Overall, you will need to have some difficult conversations. Here are some resources to help you:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations
https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-have-a-difficult-talk/
https://mytherapynyc.com/have-difficult-conversation-with-loved-one/
Here are some resources to help you explain how you are hurt in this situation:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/201903/how-do-i-tell-someone-theyve-hurt-my-feelings
https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/how-to-tell-someone-they-hurt-you
https://www.rickhanson.net/stay-right-when-youre-wronged/
I hope that you are able to successfully have this conversation and that you will become more comfortable with your friends again.
Best wishes,
Mikaela