Hello! Is it normal to only have crushes on people you know don’t like you and you don’t want them to like you back? I don’t want my love to be reciprocated I just want to make my crush happy.
Hello there! Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude.
First of all, your feelings are valid. Romantic relationships can be challenging to navigate, especially if you may not agree with the “typical” way people engage in them. Though it may feel like you are alone in feeling this way, many people find the idea of entering a romantic relationship unappealing. Amatonormativity, or the assumption that everyone would benefit from exclusive relationships, might make it hard to orient yourself in romantic situations. This phenomenon might be the reason why you’re questioning yourself since it has led societal norms to elevate the importance of romance.
I recommend reading more about amatonormativity from the philosopher who coined the term here: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/.
It may help to take some time and think about why you are feeling this way. Doing this should help you come to terms with your emotions and allow you to recognize their rationality. I can provide some possible explanations. You know yourself better than anyone, so keep in mind that you are under no obligation to find these suggestions applicable to your situation.
It could be that you are more independent, in which case, being in a relationship may not align with your needs. Having someone reciprocate romantic feelings may insinuate to you that the relationship must go further. If this is not something you would enjoy, then it is entirely okay for you to avoid it. Being content with being single is an incredibly valuable trait, so try not to worry about this aspect of your feelings.
Conversely, maybe you are someone who enjoys the thrill of having a crush on someone more than the effects of pursuing a relationship. Fear of relationships may accompany this preference. If your apprehension to reciprocation is fear-based, try to let yourself feel any negative emotions that come with the thoughts of your crush possibly liking you back. You can also try to evaluate or question your attitude towards romance to understand yourself better.
Here is an article on philophobia, or the fear of getting into a romantic relationship. This article explains the fear and provides various coping strategies if you relate to some of the signs: https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/what-is-philophobia. These articles may help you better evaluate your feelings through journaling or guided meditation, respectively: https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-keep-mental-health-journal/; https://www.mindful.org/a-meditation-on-observing-thoughts-non-judgmentally/.
Society’s definition of what a relationship looks like has evolved. People can now explore their romantic identities in ways we never could before. If you are content without your romantic feelings being reciprocated, then you may benefit from learning more about the aromantic spectrum. What you describe aligns with lithroromantic, which describes a person who may feel romantic attraction towards others but may not want that attraction in return. These terms are relatively new, so do not feel pressured to define yourself by any one word. As long as no one is getting hurt, feel free to conduct your romantic experiences or identities however you see fit.
If you’re interested in learning more about this, this website provides a glossary of terms related to the aromantic spectrum and collections of resource materials: https://www.aromanticism.org. Talking to someone you can trust or feel comfortable with about how you’re feeling is a great way to get more insight into the situation. If you would like to discuss aromanticism, here is a comprehensive list of support groups and an email address to message if you want to learn more about what it means to be aromantic: https://lgbtlifecenter.org/wellness/support-groups; aceandarospace@gmail.com (mailto:aceandarospace@gmail.com).
You also indicated that you enjoy making your crush happy. It can feel great to see someone you care about elated by something you did for them. However, it is important to always put your own happiness first. If not, it is easy to become codependent on the emotions of your romantic interests, which is an unhealthy way to dictate your own feelings. Signs of codependency, such as prioritizing the needs of others, can eventually affect one’s self-worth and lead to difficulty recognizing one’s own needs. Be sure to set physical and emotional boundaries to protect your well-being if anything were to go wrong. It can be difficult to say no to the people we want to make happy. Still, it is a necessary step in fostering healthy relationships regardless of how those relationships may look.
Here is an article about codependency signs, causes, and coping methods:
Everyone has their own priorities in life, and sometimes serious relationships are not part of that journey. This is okay! Remember that people are different in terms of how they choose to live, so you should always strive to do what makes you feel comfortable. You should define your feelings on your own terms. If you still find yourself struggling, we at Asking Jude are always here to help.
Hello there! Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude.
First of all, your feelings are valid. Romantic relationships can be challenging to navigate, especially if you may not agree with the “typical” way people engage in them. Though it may feel like you are alone in feeling this way, many people find the idea of entering a romantic relationship unappealing. Amatonormativity, or the assumption that everyone would benefit from exclusive relationships, might make it hard to orient yourself in romantic situations. This phenomenon might be the reason why you’re questioning yourself since it has led societal norms to elevate the importance of romance.
I recommend reading more about amatonormativity from the philosopher who coined the term here: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/.
It may help to take some time and think about why you are feeling this way. Doing this should help you come to terms with your emotions and allow you to recognize their rationality. I can provide some possible explanations. You know yourself better than anyone, so keep in mind that you are under no obligation to find these suggestions applicable to your situation.
It could be that you are more independent, in which case, being in a relationship may not align with your needs. Having someone reciprocate romantic feelings may insinuate to you that the relationship must go further. If this is not something you would enjoy, then it is entirely okay for you to avoid it. Being content with being single is an incredibly valuable trait, so try not to worry about this aspect of your feelings.
Conversely, maybe you are someone who enjoys the thrill of having a crush on someone more than the effects of pursuing a relationship. Fear of relationships may accompany this preference. If your apprehension to reciprocation is fear-based, try to let yourself feel any negative emotions that come with the thoughts of your crush possibly liking you back. You can also try to evaluate or question your attitude towards romance to understand yourself better.
Here is an article on philophobia, or the fear of getting into a romantic relationship. This article explains the fear and provides various coping strategies if you relate to some of the signs: https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/what-is-philophobia. These articles may help you better evaluate your feelings through journaling or guided meditation, respectively: https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-keep-mental-health-journal/; https://www.mindful.org/a-meditation-on-observing-thoughts-non-judgmentally/.
Society’s definition of what a relationship looks like has evolved. People can now explore their romantic identities in ways we never could before. If you are content without your romantic feelings being reciprocated, then you may benefit from learning more about the aromantic spectrum. What you describe aligns with lithroromantic, which describes a person who may feel romantic attraction towards others but may not want that attraction in return. These terms are relatively new, so do not feel pressured to define yourself by any one word. As long as no one is getting hurt, feel free to conduct your romantic experiences or identities however you see fit.
If you’re interested in learning more about this, this website provides a glossary of terms related to the aromantic spectrum and collections of resource materials: https://www.aromanticism.org. Talking to someone you can trust or feel comfortable with about how you’re feeling is a great way to get more insight into the situation. If you would like to discuss aromanticism, here is a comprehensive list of support groups and an email address to message if you want to learn more about what it means to be aromantic: https://lgbtlifecenter.org/wellness/support-groups; aceandarospace@gmail.com (mailto:aceandarospace@gmail.com).
You also indicated that you enjoy making your crush happy. It can feel great to see someone you care about elated by something you did for them. However, it is important to always put your own happiness first. If not, it is easy to become codependent on the emotions of your romantic interests, which is an unhealthy way to dictate your own feelings. Signs of codependency, such as prioritizing the needs of others, can eventually affect one’s self-worth and lead to difficulty recognizing one’s own needs. Be sure to set physical and emotional boundaries to protect your well-being if anything were to go wrong. It can be difficult to say no to the people we want to make happy. Still, it is a necessary step in fostering healthy relationships regardless of how those relationships may look.
Here is an article about codependency signs, causes, and coping methods:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-signs-of-codependency.
This additional link may help you better understand what boundaries look like and how to enforce them with the people you care for:
https://whatiscodependency.com/the-power-of-personal-boundaries/.
Everyone has their own priorities in life, and sometimes serious relationships are not part of that journey. This is okay! Remember that people are different in terms of how they choose to live, so you should always strive to do what makes you feel comfortable. You should define your feelings on your own terms. If you still find yourself struggling, we at Asking Jude are always here to help.
Wishing you all the best,
Mikayla