Hey, Background: I (nb, 18) am in a long distance relationship with my partner (nb, 17) of over a year. My partner struggles with depression. they often won't tell me they're struggling, just withdrawing until they feel better(normally for a month at most). I haven't heard from them in over two months. I know they're still alive, because they posted on social media. How can I get them to talk to me again? (I've been messaging them the whole time) or what should I do/think?
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Hi love,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. It makes sense you feel overwhelmed, that sounds like a tough situation to be in. People who suffer from depression go through a lot. They may feel overwhelmed, sad, restless, or completely numb to everything happening around them. It sounds like you have a good idea of how they function and what they need from you in situations like this. I’m glad that you are aware of the patterns and are mindful of how they function.
Having said that, you deserve to be loved as well. You deserve to have someone care for you, give you their undivided attention, and understand your wants and needs as well as you do theirs. It seems that they are taking longer than usual to get back to you and this might be pushing your boundaries. People who are depressed often shield their loved ones from their pain and therefore cease communication with them. I think here you have to determine how much communication is too much or too little.
I have heard of instances where people will continue to message their loved ones giving them space and time to heal before they are stable enough to have a productive relationship again. However, I have also seen instances where people never manage communication with their partners and therefore end up unhappy and unsatisfied. You mentioned that a month is normal but now it has been two. Determine if has been long enough for you to give your partner an ultimatum. While dealing with mental health disorders can be a struggle, it does not give anyone the excuse to completely ignore their partner’s feelings.
If you can’t get through to your partner through messaging or calling, try to contact a friend of theirs to check up on them. Let your partner know that you are there for them and will support them however they need you to. Help is out there if they want it. But a relationship is a two-way street, and one that involves both parties to support and care for each other. If you don’t hear back from them for another month or so (the timeline should be at your discretion), I would suggest slowing down or stopping the messages for a bit. Being constantly ignored is harming your mental health as well, and you need to take care of yourself first.
Practice self-care. Spend time with your loved ones doing an activity you love. Exercise, dance, paint, do anything to help you feel happy and relaxed. You deserve it after all of your constant worrying.
Here are some resources that might help:
-https://www.vice.com/en_in/article/ywyggj/how-to-navigate-mental-illness-in-a-relationship
-https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/b85a64c9-a34b-4972-bd36-38d017c8a728
-https://medium.com/personal-growth/dear-friends-this-is-how-to-support-me-in-a-depression-c211fcc5a56e
-https://www.talkspace.com/blog/dating-a-man-with-depression-what-you-need-to-know-and-do/
I hope this helped.
Wishing you all the best,
Manisha