Hello there! I have a situation that may be a little difficult to explain, but I will try my best.
So back in 2019, I was in a relationship with somebody and I decided that I didn't wish to continue the relationship anymore and I would have hoped they understood. We were on "good terms" afterwards for a while until I noticed they were secretly targeting me for jokes in front of our mutual friends, and even straight up talked behind my back. I found out that he was upset for being left, even though I was under the impression that he was ok with still being friends. I officially broke off our platonic relationship afterwards and moved on.
About 3 years later, I found myself in a deeply similar situation with an ex-friend. They exhibited the same behaviors my ex did that made me deeply uncomfortable. They would text me at odd hours of the day and then get upset when I didn't respond right away. They would also constantly deny being upset by anything when asked, and always had this strange passive aggressive tone to their voice. I felt threatened as more of more of their behavior reminded me of my ex, so in a fit of anxiety I cut them off.
I'll admit that cutting them off without warning wasn't the right thing to do, and at least I talked to my ex-partner about it first, but I would soon learn that my (ex)friend would react the same way my ex did—talking behind my back and making me the center of jokes. And even trying to paint me as the bad guy when I directly told them I didn't feel comfortable with how high maintenance and boundary breaking our friendship was.
It makes me wonder...am I doing anything to attract toxicity? Am *I* the problem? Or was I simply unlucky enough to have lighting strike twice?
Hi,
I’m so sorry that you have been dealing with this. I’d like to commend you on not only setting boundaries, but enforcing them. You don’t deserve to be the butt of the jokes, especially when you’ve stated that it makes you uncomfortable. You are where a lot of people want to be in regards to cutting people off who are cruel to you. It is difficult for a lot of people to do this, and I am proud of you for being in this place. Here are some tips on setting and enforcing boundaries in an unhealthy relationship: https://ifstudies.org/blog/seven-tips-for-setting-boundaries-in-unhealthy-relationships. These tips may help you out if you decide to resume contact with your ex-friend. Not everyone deserves an explanation, and you did the right thing by telling this person how you feel; however, if you still feel like things are unfinished, it may be worth a try. Keep in mind, you did communicate how being treated this way made you feel, and you were made out to be the one in the wrong. This is toxic behavior.
I don’t think you attract toxic people. We do, however, develop a pattern based on the type of people we are comfortable around. We also show people what they can and can’t get away with when we let things go. This is not to say that how you’ve been treated is your fault at all—it is to say that perhaps you have gotten used to this kind of behavior from people. Let’s face it, we all let things slide sometimes. We all have our reasons whether it is to keep the peace or to keep attention away from ourselves. When we are silent about things that really hurt us, the people around us may not be aware that it is hurtful. Has someone ever said something along the lines of, “But I always joke like that,” or “This never bothered you before.” They may genuinely be surprised that their behavior is hurtful. Here are some tips on how to acknowledge putdowns: https://www.kidpower.org/library/article/speaking-up-about-putdowns/. Sometimes, people aren‘t going to know what your boundaries are, but for those that do, and continue to violate them--that is when you have to do what is best for you. You don’t always have to explain yourself to someone who has hurt you either.
A person exhibiting toxic behavior isn’t necessarily going to care about how you feel. In some cases, a person may use how you feel against you in order to get the upper hand. Some people end up feeling guilty for expressing their feelings or enforcing a boundary—much like you are right now. You have to do what’s best for yourself, and if that means cutting off a relationship that is causing you discomfort and anxiety, you did the right thing. Sometimes, toxic behavior is hard to spot, especially in a friendship. Here are a few things to look out for: https://www.thesource.org/post/10-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-friendship. This info on unhealthy friendships may give you some perspective on your conflicting feelings as well: https://www.straighttalkcounseling.org/post/why-we-stay-in-unhealthy-friendships.
It isn’t always easy to put yourself first, but you are, and that’s amazing.
Keep sticking up for yourself!
Andrea