I'm extremely concerned about my girlfriend. She's having suicidal thoughts. They've been going on for a while, to the extent that she'd planned it all out—a method, a date and everything. It stopped after I spoke to her mother about it (she then spoke to my friend, and my friend stopped considering it then), but they seem to be doing very badly recently, again. She usually won't really open up to me about it. She doesn't have a lot of other people in her life she feels comfortable enough to talk to about it either. She's also told me she doesn't really like it when I reach out to her mother about her mental health. She says her mother only pretends to care but doesn't really. I try to tell her mother not to be make it obvious that I spoke to her, but my friend is really perceptive. She always figures it out. She says it's because her mother usually doesn't talk to my friend otherwise, only shows concern after we have a conversation about my friend.
I've noticed that it usually gets worse when something extremely stressful is coming up—a ton of work to finish, another COVID wave, transitioning into a new grade, making decisions regarding college... things like that. I know she suffers from a lot of climate anxiety too and finds it hard to continue being hopeful about living a life during these times. She seems hesitant to go to therapy because she thinks it won't be helpful (also, expenses), especially because she's gone before (for different reasons, a while back) and it didn't work so well. She always says "I know what the therapist will say to me." when I suggest it. My family has offered to pay for her therapy too, but she won't accept it. I know the lockdown has affected her deeply and she probably feels a lot of despair because of the situation.
I don't know what else to include here, but I could give out more specific information if required. I'm just extremely worried. I love her very much and want her to be okay. It's slightly complicated because my girlfriend and I live in different cities, but I'll try to do as much as I can from over here, until I'm able to go meet her maybe next month. Please tell me if there's any way I can help her.
Thank you so much.
Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m very sorry to hear about the suicidal thoughts your friend is facing. I know how stressful it can be to watch someone you love go through a terrible moment in their life and feel hopeless in trying to help them. I want to emphasize that you being there for her is already a tremendous help - I am sure she feels comfort in knowing that you are looking out for her. I also want to emphasize that your role in this is very limited; you are not her therapist, so remind yourself that you cannot cure her or rid her of these thoughts yourself. However, there are ways you can encourage her to seek professional help.
I know you mentioned that she has seen a therapist in the past, but her experience was fruitless. Unfortunately, not everyone has equal experiences with therapists. This can occur if the therapist and the patient have widely different backgrounds, so much so that the therapist cannot relate to or understand the patient’s difficulties. This happens with a lot of folks in marginalized communities.
For that reason, you can suggest she visit https://www.inclusivetherapists.com/ for more inclusive therapy options and/or https://openpathcollective.org/ for more affordable options. Of course, you do not want to force her to see a therapist if she does not want to do so. You can bring it up to her to see if she’s interested, however.
You can also recommend she utilize crisis hotlines if she is not ready to commit to therapy. Here are some you can send to her:
-National Suicide Prevention Hotline (U.S.):
1-800-273-8255
-https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
-http://www.contacthelpline.org/emotional-listening-support
-Telephone Helpline: 877-995-5247 or download the Safe Helpline app on your phone
-Crisis Helpline: 800-233-4357
-Crisis Chat: https://www.contact-usa.org/chat.html
-Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741
More telephone numbers can be found here: https://psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/
As mentioned earlier, you being there for her can make a tremendous impact. So, consider asking her how you can help support her. Perhaps she feels better when she’s temporarily distracted from her suicidal thoughts. In that case, try thinking of fun activities the two of you can do together, even from a distance (e.g. watching a movie together through Zoom). Or, perhaps she really appreciates having her concerns heard and validated. In that case, the following link on how you can be an active listener for her can be extremely helpful: https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm. All in all, remind her of how much you care for her and consider checking in on her every so often. This can help remind her that she is not facing this alone.
Lastly, remember that your mental health is important as well. If you catch yourself feeling very overwhelmed by the circumstances, take a step back and be sure to address your own needs.
Sending love to both of you,
Helen
Hello, @Samairah Oberoi ! Thank you so much for entrusting Asking Jude to help you through this difficult situation. One of our peer counsellors, Helen, will answer you shortly. Until then, stay strong!
Hey, Samairah, thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude! You are in a really difficult situation , so it's good that you have taken this step. A peer counselor will get back to you and will help you...