I sometimes have trouble making friends because of anxiety issues. I usually think I'm intruding on their existing friend group and it's hard to start conversations unless I'm being spoken to first. I recently moved from South Korea to North Carolina in December, and I made a couple of friends. Nothing really too close. In March, schools were closed and I didn't really connect with a lot of others. In April, my parents, little brother and I moved to Washington state. I still haven't made friends here because of quarantine. I have one online friend named Evan from around May that I talk to regularly, but other than that, I have no one. I play games with Evan and sometimes his friends, but I don't know them. I joined a chat with a bunch of people and I like them but they all already know each other. I feel like it's weird, and that I'm intruding. I get overly sensitive about everything.
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Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling to make friends because of anxiety. Moving to different places and being in quarantine can also make meeting people much more difficult. Firstly, I encourage you to question what you say when you describe yourself in a negative light. For example, did any of Evan’s friends suggest that you were intruding or did you make that assumption? Sometimes, we can be quick to believe harsh things about ourselves. Perhaps someone from your past said something mean to you and it led you to believe that they were right. This can make you to avoid seeking friends because you automatically think that they will dislike you. However, you saying something bad about yourself does not make it true. Convince yourself that you are a fun, caring individual who is deserving of having good friends. If you need help reframing the negative thoughts in your head, visit this link: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201806/how-change-negative-voice-in-your-head%3famp
Overcoming social anxiety can be a long and exhausting journey, but remind yourself of the rewards it will offer you. You can start this process by continuously making small efforts toward change you want to see. For instance, one day you can try reaching out to an old friend that you met in South Korea and ask how they are doing. Another day, you can play games with Evan’s friends and stay just a bit longer than you normally would. Perhaps he can even formally introduce you to his friends. Making small steps outside of your comfort zone, no matter how small, can remind you that you are capable of doing these activities. However, do not push yourself too hard outside of your comfort zone. Baby steps can be more effective in making long-term changes. Here is a link with more tips on overcoming social anxiety: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201410/how-overcome-your-social-anxiety%3famp
There are also ways you can make friends from home, despite being in quarantine. For example, you could join a Discord server: https://disboard.org/servers/tag/make-friends. You may even want to join a server with people who share your interests, such as your favorite video games, books, TV shows, etc. If you are in school, you could offer to make a study group (via Zoom, a GroupMe, or a text group chat) with many of your peers. If you have social media, consider connecting with people you know or following a page with topics that you like. This way, you could meet other people who share some things in common with you.
In addition, I suggest you check out “How to be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety” by Dr. Ellen Hendriksen (https://www.ellenhendriksen.com/book) and Asking Jude’s YouTube video on treating social anxiety (https://youtu.be/HoiOxyEm3qI). These helped me when I dealt with social anxiety and I hope they will offer you the same.
Sending love and support,
Helen
Good for you that you have reached out at asking Jude regarding your dilemma. One of the peer couselors will give you some specific information... Good luck to you...
Hello, Ara! I just relayed your submission to Helen. She'll be answering it shortly. Thank you for supporting our transformation!