I drank too much and had a meltdown at my grandmas with family. We were supposed to be celebrating my birthday. I went to the bathroom and had flashbacks of being m*olested as a child by my older cousin who was there. I’ve told my grandma and mom several times if xyz was there I didn’t want to be there or let me know so I won’t go. Everyone was downstairs outside as it was a cookout. I didn’t realize I was having a panic attack until my sister found me upstairs hiding. Turns out my cousin tried coming upstairs and my sister confronted him and made him leave. I blacked out some parts of this night and looking back on it I see myself looking possessed screaming and crying. I just remember screaming they’re rapists over and over. My sister ended up telling me more of what happened because I woke up with some bruises and turns out my mom was hitting me and everyone was just trying to get me to calm down or shuttup. Me and my sister went through similar things young by the same “family members” and when she told our parents and some family nothing really came of it. My dad kept them away till he was out the picture and then we had no choice but to be in the same spaces by the men who SAed us as kids. It was like no one cared or believed us. The dirty family secret everyone knows but won’t acknowledge. The betrayal is so deep in me. Besides my sister I haven’t talked to anyone since. Some of my family reached out but I can’t get myself to talk to them, I wouldn’t even know what to say. I’m ashamed I put my grandma through that and embarrassed her in front of her neighbors. I still feel a lot of disgust whenever I see my mother because she continued to allow them near us and would even invite them over. I just want to leave, never come back to my home state, and sometimes I don’t care to ever talk to any of them again at all. I hate birthdays.
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Hello there,
I am incredibly sorry that you and your sister have gone through this. I’m sorry that you were put into a situation like that, and on your birthday of all days. You did the right thing by speaking up for yourself and letting your mom and grandmother know about your discomfort. By allowing those men into the same space as you, they did not respect your wishes. Something that I think may help you is setting boundaries, which are rules you set in place for yourself. For example, if you do not want to be around those men in your family, set that as a boundary. Try to keep reminding yourself that you cannot be around them under any circumstances. This can be done however you feel most comfortable. You can try leaving the event or staying in a different room, or telling your family you’re feeling a bit sick and need to lie down. Sticking to your boundaries can sometimes be difficult, especially when family is involved. Here are some tips on how to set and enforce boundaries: https://www.npr.org/2021/01/25/960423678/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family-and-stick-to-them.
It isn’t always going to be easy to say “no” to family members, especially if it’s something you want to do, but it is important that you prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Boundaries are a way to protect and prioritize yourself.
I am not sure how old you are, so I don’t know exactly what you mean about not having a choice about being around them. If you are a minor, I can understand where you are coming from. If you are not a minor, you do have a choice. Your choice may upset some of your family members, and that can be uncomfortable. However, regardless of your family’s wishes, it is vitally important to always put yourself and your needs first.
I am sorry that this situation has left you feeling guilty. Try to keep in mind that your reaction was involuntary and unintentional. I know that does not change the outcome, but you did let your mom and grandmother know that you did not want to be around those men. There are consequences for every action, and their embarrassment is the price they pay.
In case you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some tips on how to cope: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-symptoms-self-help-treatment.htm. One of my favorite suggestions is finding an outdoor activity. Studies show that being in nature can help combat symptoms of anxiety and depression. Whenever I am feeling stressed, I think about nature and places that bring me peace. This may help you, too.
I can understand why you have these feelings toward your mother. If you need a little space from your family, please take some space; you deserve to feel safe and happy. I’m not saying you have to completely remove your family from your life, but there has to be a balance. Here are some tips on how to handle difficult familial relationships: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships.htm.
If you are a minor, this may look a little different. You may not be able to avoid every person or situation yet, but you can limit how open you are with certain family members. You can be polite, but also distant enough to keep yourself safe.
I hope some of this information was helpful. Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.
You got this,
Andrea