I drank too much and had a meltdown at my grandmas with family. We were supposed to be celebrating my birthday. I went to the bathroom and had flashbacks of being m*olested as a child by my older cousin who was there. I’ve told my grandma and mom several times if xyz was there I didn’t want to be there or let me know so I won’t go. Everyone was downstairs outside as it was a cookout. I didn’t realize I was having a panic attack until my sister found me upstairs hiding. Turns out my cousin tried coming upstairs and my sister confronted him and made him leave. I blacked out some parts of this night and looking back on it I see myself looking possessed screaming and crying. I just remember screaming they’re rapists over and over. My sister ended up telling me more of what happened because I woke up with some bruises and turns out my mom was hitting me and everyone was just trying to get me to calm down or shuttup. Me and my sister went through similar things young by the same “family members” and when she told our parents and some family nothing really came of it. My dad kept them away till he was out the picture and then we had no choice but to be in the same spaces by the men who SAed us as kids. It was like no one cared or believed us. The dirty family secret everyone knows but won’t acknowledge. The betrayal is so deep in me. Besides my sister I haven’t talked to anyone since. Some of my family reached out but I can’t get myself to talk to them, I wouldn’t even know what to say. I’m ashamed I put my grandma through that and embarrassed her in front of her neighbors. I still feel a lot of disgust whenever I see my mother because she continued to allow them near us and would even invite them over. I just want to leave, never come back to my home state, and sometimes I don’t care to ever talk to any of them again at all. I hate birthdays.