Hi.. This is actually something I struggle to open up about. So for three years I was with my boyfriend and I'll put him in here as R. R and I had an apartment together for his kids and myself so that we can be a family. He broke up with me on my birthday due to money troubles and his dedication issues. R has caused me a lot of mental problems and now after so many months I'm scared to fall in love again. I'm really scared of that because if I trust someone with my name and money again, they'll do the same thing to me. R caused me to go to a psych ward because I had a plan to kill myself in the garage with one of my step dad's hunting knives. I was there for 72 hours and he didn't care; at all. He had no kind of empathy for trying to heal the relationship and try with me again knowing that I was in love with him even after the break up because of the fact that he was there for me during a really dark time of my life. I'm sorry if this is so much, this is something I really can't talk to my family about because I don't want to go back to where I was. I'm not as suicidal as I was last July and August, but I really struggle talking to people and having them hit on me. My ex was able to move on 3 months after I left with someone else. He threw out all of my clothes, all of my makeup, and tossed my social security card out as well. I'm really, really sorry if this is so much and I know I have PTSD. Everything that happened with this past relationship has made my MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) so much worse because the person I thought that I was going to marry and have a kid with left. He isn't coming back and I don't know what to do to move on.
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Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I want to emphasize how sorry I am that you experienced such a toxic relationship. I cannot imagine the amount of pain and betrayal you went through, especially from someone you loved and thought you could trust. Coming forward with this information takes an immense amount of courage, so thank you for confiding in Asking Jude.
I want to encourage you to express how you feel. You have every right to feel sad, angry, and disappointed because of everything you have gone through, so do not feel as if you have to put on a brave face. Part of the healing process involves acknowledging what happened and the emotions that came with it; therefore, I encourage you to express your emotions in healthy ways. Crying, venting to a trusted friend, creating art (painting, drawing, coloring), and exercise (such as kickboxing: https://youtu.be/CfpAmX2ACzQ) are options to consider. Here is a link with helpful ways you can express your emotions, as well as unhealthy methods to avoid: https://www.mhanational.org/helpful-vs-harmful-ways-manage-emotions
I also know that you may find yourself missing him a lot during this time, despite the trauma he put you through. Remember that it is okay to feel sad that this relationship ended; after all, the two of you shared many memories together. However, give yourself reminders of why the relationship ended and why it needed to do so.
Consider your environment and the people (and objects) that encompass it. After being in a relationship with R, I can imagine that you were constantly surrounded by negativity and pain. Therefore, think of ways you can improve the new environment that excludes him. Stay in touch with people who you care about and who care about you; you may want to reach out to old friends and/or call a family member you haven’t spoken to in a while. You may also want to eliminate items in your home that you feel weigh you down, such as gifts you may have received from your ex, clutter, clothes that remind you of your past relationship that you may want to part from, etc. This is a new chapter in your life, so I encourage you to welcome new, healthy surroundings. Here is a link with ways you can deep clean your room: https://www.bhg.com/homekeeping/house-cleaning/tips/quick-clean-bedroom/
I also recommend dedicating time and energy to yourself. Now that you are single, you may have more time and resources that can be directed towards you as opposed to a significant other. Is there a hobby you were always interested in trying but never got to do so? Is there a hobby that you stopped doing that you would now like to revisit? Find activities that bring you joy and offer you healthy distractions from the stress you feel. Here are some hobbies that may spark your interest: https://paradigmtreatment.com/10-hobbies-combat-stress/
As for falling in love after a toxic relationship, remember that there is no rush to this. Healing is a priority before committing to someone new (rebound relationships almost always end sooner rather than later). Keep in mind that the people you meet in the future will not be R; who’s to say they will treat you the same way your ex did? I found a great link that discusses moving on after a toxic relationship: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shrink-wrap/201907/finding-the-one-after-toxic-relationship%3famp
Lastly, I encourage you to seek support from a professional. Therapists can work with you one-on-one to find ways to cope with PTSD and MDD. I know this can be a scary step, but consider keeping this option available. Visit this link (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) to find therapists in your area. I also recommend visiting https://openpathcollective.org/ if you are looking for more affordable options. Additionally, check out this following link (https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJV4JAeN/) if you are a member of a marginalized community as it contains more inclusive therapy options.
Acknowledging all of this was a huge step forward, and we at Asking Jude are so proud of you. It may seem scary now, but healing is very much possible with time and by taking small steps forward.
Sending all of my love and support,
Helen
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude. I am not a peer counselor. I am a member, hre at Asking Jude. A Peer Counselor will help you...