honestly ive had enough. i dont think this world has anything to offer. and the pain of my conditions and the effort to continue each day is too much of a burden. im fighting for nothing. i lost the last good years of my life. I want to see what possibilities the next life has to offer. Maybe ill finally find a place where i belong. I dont belong in this world. its not right. its not for me. I want out. ive had enough. Ive seen enough
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Hey Komyo,
You are absolutely right when you say that we care about you.
I obviously know very little about your circumstances. I'm not going to pretend that exercise and "doing fun things" will magically make your concerns go away (although I advocate that they can be great coping mechanisms). However, I would like to think that the reason you came back to Asking Jude was because you still have a glimpse of hope for improving your situation. Maybe you even slightly believe that your pain can be reduced with a little support from us. Hold onto that glimpse and allow us to help you in the best way we can.
I wish I could tell you that the road to recovering from distress and trauma is instant. But healing takes work, and a lot of it. It requires commitment, pain that you have to address, and situations that you have to confront in order to make life more bearable. But just because it isn't easy doesn't mean you aren't worth the fight.
Based on your replies, I bet you are holding onto a lot of anger. And I bet you have a lot of good reasons to be angry, too. Take the time to channel your anger into something expressive; for instance, write out everything you are feeling onto some loose pieces of paper. Then, tear those pieces of paper to shreds. Symbolically destroy the thoughts that are trying to convince you that life is not worth living. You could also crush an empty water bottle, squeeze a pillow, or blast loud music, to name a few. Although the following link is a list of alternatives to self-harm, the items on the list could also serve as methods to relieve built-up tension: https://www.firstpersonplural.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Alternative-coping-mechanisms-to-avoid-self-harm.pdf. Keep in mind that you might feel a little silly attempting some of these. But ask yourself, what's the harm in trying?
Another thing I want to touch on is the vicious cycle of negative thoughts. These are the thoughts that are telling you that suicide is your only option. I challenge you to question and combat those thoughts. After all, they are only thoughts until we give them meaning and/or act on them. I know that you have the power to control them, so here is a PDF that might help with that: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/challenging-negative-thoughts.pdf
If you could tell me with certainty that you have experienced everything good in this world, I might believe you when you say that there is nothing left to offer you. However, I can promise you with the upmost certainty that you belong here and that good things are still waiting for you, Komyo. I believe it, the rest of the Asking Jude team believes it, and I encourage you to believe it too. This next part might sound extremely cheesy, but bear with me: watch tomorrow's sunrise. I can't exactly explain it, but there is something so calming about watching the sun emerge from the different colors of the sky. You might even be able to hear birds chirping and feel a nice breeze on your skin. And the best part is, you're alive to witness it all.
Thus, take advantage of experiencing basic things you might not typically appreciate, like sunrises. Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, treat yourself to a favorite meal, hug a family member, reach out to an old friend, or listen your favorite song. These activities are not meant to diminish the validity of your concerns, but they can help you remember that there are plenty of things to love in your environment; you just have to pay special attention to notice them sometimes.
Lastly, just in case you change your mind, here is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline again: 1-800-273-8255 (and here's the website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/). Calling might be very helpful or it might not. Just promise me that you'll try. And if you start to feel unloved or alone, remind yourself that you have the love and support from all of us at Asking Jude.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon,
Helen