I feel bad at every little thing I do and at certain points can’t control my emotions or have thoughts of suicide, it wasn’t caused by anything but whenever I get in trouble I get even more nervous. Is this normal?
It’s definitely not healthy. It sounds like some unaddressed anxiety or even trauma. Guilt is a perfectly normal emotion, but if it’s driving you to suicide, that’s not okay. You are allowed to make mistakes because you are human.
You kind of remind me of myself because I struggle with guilt a lot, too. But what helps is remembering that I am only human and that there is only so much I can ever do. I am not perfect but I should learn from my mistakes. I am not able to make everyone happy all the time because some folks are just never happy and I can’t possibly be responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
I shared that in hopes that maybe you can learn from my experiences. I do have some questions for you that may help you get to the bottom of all of this:
Do you feel you are responsible for others’ feelings or happiness?
Have you faced severe repercussions for upsetting or disappointing people in the past?
Have you faced severe repercussions or punishments for breaking rules?
Have any authority figures (like parents or teachers) repeatedly told you that they’re disappointed rather than sad or angry?
Have you ever been around abusive or otherwise toxic people?
Were you raised with very high expectations?
Were you a straight-A student or otherwise very well-behaved and studious student?
Have people ever made you feel like a burden or like you’re overreacting for asserting your boundaries or asking for anything?
Your post reminds me of a post I found on Tumblr a long time ago that said, “You don’t think you’re likable so you settle for being useful.” That really hit home with me because I have often felt like a burden to others and that inconveniencing them or upsetting them is the Worst Thing Ever ™. The thing is, it’s okay for people to get angry or upset with you once in a while; it’s not the end of the world if they are. The best you can do is fess up and atone however you reasonably can. Apologize once properly and see what you can do to rectify the situation or solve the problem at hand, not just appease the person.
Have you heard of the different fear or trauma responses? You probably know of fight or flight, but there are also freeze and fawn. Freeze is what happens when you go stiff and feel paralyzed. Fawn is what happens when you try to appease or placate people to protect yourself. There is another new one called flop; this is usually when one dissociates or passes out. I’m thinking that what you’re experiencing is your brain being stuck in danger mode and defaulting to the fawn response because it’s the safest thing to do. This could then result in you feeling so awful about yourself because your brain thinks that you are in some sort of danger.
The above came from an article about fear responses and C-PTSD: https://cotswoldcentrefortraumahealing.co.uk/how-ptsd-occurs/
I’m also wondering how you were raised. Perhaps you were raised to be super responsible and hard-working, so asking for help or making mistakes shatters your self-perception because you think you shouldn’t need help. Parents and teachers can inadvertently foster unhealthy levels of perfectionism in children. Perhaps you were raised by very overbearing parents, so they came down hard on you for every little mistake or accident as a kid. Maybe they made you feel like a burden for asking for anything because they didn’t feel like fulfilling their responsibilities as parents. Maybe they guilt-tripped you for everything as a kid.
If none of the above paragraph applies to you, then let’s see what else we can come up with. I suggest talking to a therapist because they can help you get to the root of this. In addition, they can help you come up with healthy coping mechanisms to navigate making mistakes.
In the meantime, let me share some of my own:
-Recognize that you are human
-You are not responsible for the feelings or dysfunction of others
-You are allowed to make mistakes because they are opportunities to learn
-Most people are resilient; they won’t be angry forever
-Recognize that your feelings are just as valid and deserving of respect as everyone else’s
-You are allowed to stand up for yourself
-If you do your best to make people happy, but they still complain, call them out on it. They’ll either shut up or apologize and learn to appreciate your efforts more.
-Recognize that some people will just never be happy unless they have everything exactly as they want it.
-Let go of toxic people. They will suck you dry and flatten you into a doormat and will never be happy unless you subsume yourself into them.
I know it’s all easier said than done, but it takes practice. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction.
I hope this all helps. Please remember that you deserve the same kindness and compassion you show to everyone else.
It’s definitely not healthy. It sounds like some unaddressed anxiety or even trauma. Guilt is a perfectly normal emotion, but if it’s driving you to suicide, that’s not okay. You are allowed to make mistakes because you are human.
You kind of remind me of myself because I struggle with guilt a lot, too. But what helps is remembering that I am only human and that there is only so much I can ever do. I am not perfect but I should learn from my mistakes. I am not able to make everyone happy all the time because some folks are just never happy and I can’t possibly be responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
I shared that in hopes that maybe you can learn from my experiences. I do have some questions for you that may help you get to the bottom of all of this:
Do you feel you are responsible for others’ feelings or happiness?
Have you faced severe repercussions for upsetting or disappointing people in the past?
Have you faced severe repercussions or punishments for breaking rules?
Have any authority figures (like parents or teachers) repeatedly told you that they’re disappointed rather than sad or angry?
Have you ever been around abusive or otherwise toxic people?
Were you raised with very high expectations?
Were you a straight-A student or otherwise very well-behaved and studious student?
Have people ever made you feel like a burden or like you’re overreacting for asserting your boundaries or asking for anything?
Your post reminds me of a post I found on Tumblr a long time ago that said, “You don’t think you’re likable so you settle for being useful.” That really hit home with me because I have often felt like a burden to others and that inconveniencing them or upsetting them is the Worst Thing Ever ™. The thing is, it’s okay for people to get angry or upset with you once in a while; it’s not the end of the world if they are. The best you can do is fess up and atone however you reasonably can. Apologize once properly and see what you can do to rectify the situation or solve the problem at hand, not just appease the person.
Have you heard of the different fear or trauma responses? You probably know of fight or flight, but there are also freeze and fawn. Freeze is what happens when you go stiff and feel paralyzed. Fawn is what happens when you try to appease or placate people to protect yourself. There is another new one called flop; this is usually when one dissociates or passes out. I’m thinking that what you’re experiencing is your brain being stuck in danger mode and defaulting to the fawn response because it’s the safest thing to do. This could then result in you feeling so awful about yourself because your brain thinks that you are in some sort of danger.
The above came from an article about fear responses and C-PTSD: https://cotswoldcentrefortraumahealing.co.uk/how-ptsd-occurs/
I’m also wondering how you were raised. Perhaps you were raised to be super responsible and hard-working, so asking for help or making mistakes shatters your self-perception because you think you shouldn’t need help. Parents and teachers can inadvertently foster unhealthy levels of perfectionism in children. Perhaps you were raised by very overbearing parents, so they came down hard on you for every little mistake or accident as a kid. Maybe they made you feel like a burden for asking for anything because they didn’t feel like fulfilling their responsibilities as parents. Maybe they guilt-tripped you for everything as a kid.
If none of the above paragraph applies to you, then let’s see what else we can come up with. I suggest talking to a therapist because they can help you get to the root of this. In addition, they can help you come up with healthy coping mechanisms to navigate making mistakes.
In the meantime, let me share some of my own:
-Recognize that you are human
-You are not responsible for the feelings or dysfunction of others
-You are allowed to make mistakes because they are opportunities to learn
-Most people are resilient; they won’t be angry forever
-Recognize that your feelings are just as valid and deserving of respect as everyone else’s
-You are allowed to stand up for yourself
-If you do your best to make people happy, but they still complain, call them out on it. They’ll either shut up or apologize and learn to appreciate your efforts more.
-Recognize that some people will just never be happy unless they have everything exactly as they want it.
-Let go of toxic people. They will suck you dry and flatten you into a doormat and will never be happy unless you subsume yourself into them.
I know it’s all easier said than done, but it takes practice. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction.
I hope this all helps. Please remember that you deserve the same kindness and compassion you show to everyone else.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile