(TW: Ed talk)
Hey! I have 3 friends with eating disorders so I decided to do some research into eds to understand how they work and how I can be supportive to my friends. But since I've been listening to people on youtube talk about their eds, I've realised I've started subconsciously copying ed-like behaviour? I started counting calories and restricting and feeling guilty if I eat the recommended amount of calories for my age group. I don't really want to give numbers in case that's triggering to other people, but I heard the lowest amount of calories you can eat daily before it becomes extremely unhealthy for my age group is 1300 (I'm a 15 yr old girl), so I've been trying my best not to go below that. But I keep being tempted to. I've also been tempted a couple times to purge after eating a big meal, but the only thing that stopped me was that I don't really know how to make myself throw up, and also I've heard it ruins your stomach and teeth if you do it consistently.
This has been going on for maybe a couple of weeks now. I'm not even sure I hate my body that much (although I wouldn't mind being a bit thinner) but it feels super bad when I go above around 1700 cals.
I've stopped watching ed videos but I'm really scared of developing an ed, because it messes up your health for like the rest of your life, but I don't know how to pull myself out of this, or if it's just a phase. Do you think I could keep doing this without it developing into an ed? How can I tell the difference between healthy dieting and having an eating disorder?
Thank you so much for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult situation. Eating disorders can be debilitating and you should not go through it alone. If you continue to feel any of the urges, please do not hesitate to contact this helpline: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline.
I would first recommend doing your best to recognize what triggers the impulse to engage in any behaviors (such as reducing your food consumption or counting calories) that are characteristic of an ED. It seems like the videos you mentioned may potentially be triggering for you, so I would try to avoid these or any other media that may be negatively impacting your thoughts and emotions. Additionally, it may be helpful to try and focus on other things when negative thoughts get the better of you. This could be reading a book you like, painting, or anything that makes you happy, to turn your attention away from any negative thoughts you are having.
I would also recommend talking about how you are feeling with a professional. Discussing how you feel with a therapist, especially if you feel the impulses are persisting, may help you determine more effective methods to help you cope with this. Here is a resource for finding therapists near you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. If this is something you can't afford, I recommend using Asking Jude's pay-what-you-can peer counselling service. It is live, remote, and peer counsellors never handle more than a couple clients at a time. If you're interested, reach out to jude@askingjude.org for more information.
It is very kind and thoughtful of you to be thinking of your friends who are also struggling. However, it is important to remember that you should not have to take on any responsibility, especially if you feel it is impacting your own health. So I would recommend referring your friends to the resources I provide in this response and potentially let them know that you are also facing similar struggles and might need to focus on your mental health first.
Having a network of support, whether that be your family, friends, or any other trustworthy individuals, is so important when going through such a difficult time. Journaling is also a really great option for self-support and can help you work through your emotions. You can document and record when you are feeling triggered to better recognize when you may need to talk to someone or if there is something else (such as anxiety, boredom, etc.) that may be contributing to how you are feeling. Here is a link on journaling on some of the benefits of journaling:
https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
Please try your best to eat enough, even when it feels incredibly difficult. Try to listen to your body, eat intuitively, and keep you body fueled enough so you can continue doing all the things you love! We are here for you, always, so if you have any other questions, comments, or concerns, don’t hesitate to reach out. You are so strong, and I know you can overcome this.
Love,
Jordan Sadan <3