Hello Jude!
asking this in a few different places so don't worry if you see this elsewhere! Need Advice. Might make an account on the website if I need more, but for now just here. I'm gonna ramble a little, bear with me ;;
I'm aroace and currently have what is pretty much the world's WORST gush/smush (platonic/cedural crush) EVER what do i do about it!!!!
i'm not particularly interested in getting into any kind of qp relationship with him due to several factors, (including that even if i was, it'd most likely be a firm "no" lmao)
I just need advice on how to handle these feelings!!!
i'm really reallllly attached to him and attracted in several ways (not rom & sx ofc) and lately it's been hard to stop thinking and daydreaming about him 24/7.
TL:DR = Aroace, madly in qplatonic love w a friend of mine, completely obsessed & infatuated & idk what to do thoughts??? ;;
Sounds like you certainly care very much about this guy and feel very close to him. It’s a wonderful thing! It’s still possible for friends to have a great degree of emotional intimacy and mutual affection (physical or emotional/verbal) towards each other because romantic relationships are not the end-all-be-all of human relationships.
I think what often happens in amatonormative cultures is that friendships are seen as placeholders, practice rounds, or consolation prizes for romantic relationships. Amatonormative cultures have practices and ideas that center romantic love and relationships and prioritizes them over other relationships; these cultures tend to reward romance-seeking behavior over friendship-seeking behavior or other types of relationships because romantic love is often valued important than platonic love in these cultures. What these cultures miss is that romantic relationships cannot meet all of our social and emotional needs as humans. This is okay because humans are complex creatures with a diverse array of needs; putting all of that on one person is just unfair. Perhaps some of your own discomfort comes from feeling some of that pressure.
In other words, I think you might need a different word here than friendship because I don’t think that it encompasses the intensity of your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with feeling such a desire for emotional closeness and emotional intimacy; friendships and familial relationships can certainly get pretty deep! Perhaps these are what you look for in your relationships with people.
You seem to have a good aroace vocabulary already; I think browsing this will help diversify it some more to help you identify your feelings: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/attraction-relationship-terms
In addition, the Greeks have several names for different types of love. Perhaps one of these works for you: https://www.wellandgood.com/greek-words-for-love/. #2 and #4 seem like they apply to your current situation.
Are you familiar with the Netflix show Big Mouth? It’s a funny show about teenagers who are going through puberty accompanied by hormone monsters and other creatures. It’s for adults, though, so if you’re still a minor, please, ignore the link that I’m sharing here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoDrHF8BJTc.
This video is about Jessi and Ali, two characters who become friends over the course of the show, and bond over a shared cause. Jessi isn’t quite sure if what she feels is romantic love, but she knows it’s not an ordinary friendship; she feels too close to Ali to say they’re “just friends,” but she isn’t quite sure if it’s even a crush. Perhaps this will help you better make sense of your own feelings.
I think it’s okay to talk to him about your feelings and let him know he means a lot to you. What kind of person wouldn’t want to know they have such a dedicated and caring friend like you? By that same token, remember that friendships aren’t exclusive like most romantic relationships; people can (and should) have at least a few friends so that there’s not too much pressure on anyone. Why not ensure that you two always have some quality time together? Pick a day or an event to go to and make it a regular thing for just the two of you; you get your needs met without turning your friendship into something neither of you want. (If you aren’t ready for a QPP, that’s okay; just remember that every QPP is as unique as the people in them.)
Friendships are often seen as so simple and uncomplicated because children form them so quickly, but that’s because they form from people being in close proximity to each other for so long; building genuine, healthy bonds takes a lot more effort than just being in the same building all day. When you’re an adult (especially), friendships take time and effort to grow and blossom because you have more going on in your lives other than going to school, doing homework, doing chores, etc. Sounds like you’re willing to foster a great friendship with this guy!
Feel free to come back if you have any other questions.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile