My grandfather has a (nowadays) quickly progressing dementia that has taken shape in declining health and visible personality changes this past year. My father has allegedely noticed personality changes for another 2-3 years before.
What's so hard to me is my grandfather has become a more open, sociable, loving and engaged person in his dementia. He can't remmeber what we did this summer, but he'll invite you to sit on the chair next to him and ask about your job and social life and anything else interesting. He also share a lot about himself and his childhood.
This has never been his personality. I long suspected he is actually undiagnosed autistic due to his lack of social interests. He's always had a very traditional relationship with a wife who cook and clean and raise the kids, grandkids included. As a child I mostly remember us coming over and him and my dad going into the basement -where kids couldn't be - while his wife cooked and put on a movie or took us swimming and bought ice cream. She has also always been the one resposible for christmas and birthday gifts (even down to sending the cash, as adults). I've never doubted he loved me but at the same time I am facing the fact that I hardly knew him, and I don't know what it is I'm actually loosing as his personality changes...because he seems almost like a nicer person? I have an accessible grandpa that openly shower me with love and wanting to be close. How is that "the other side" of dementia? When I lost my other grandfather to Alzheimers I could list all the things I missed about him. This time...I almost prefer the new him. If his health wasn't so bad and he had a better memory it'd seem an improvement, which is horrible to say.
I don't know how to proccess this and I feel like an awful human.
Hi there,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are struggling with these complicated emotions, but please understand that you are not alone in how you feel. Many people feel like they don’t truly know their grandparents; it can be difficult to get to know them due to the difference in age and traditions, and some people in older generations aren’t open to sharing certain details about their lives.
It is important for you to acknowledge and embrace your feelings. Here is some information on how to do this: https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/stressful-feelings.html.
It is also important to be kind to yourself. However you are feeling, whether it is anger, contentment, or somewhere in between, it is okay. This range of emotions is what makes you human. You are allowed to enjoy where things are right now without judgment, whether that be judgment from yourself or from other people. Try to always treat yourself with kindness.
Reaching out to others who are going through a similar situation could also be beneficial. You are not alone in how you’re feeling, and there are support groups for friends and family of those who have Alzheimer’s.
Here is some additional information on these support groups: https://www.alz.org/help-support/community/support-groups. With a support group, you can find support from like-minded people, and you may be able to find a way to cope with the situation.
It sounds like your grandfather was a patriarchal figure throughout your childhood. His love was always present, but you didn’t have the opportunity to get to know him as an individual. This is an unfortunately common experience with grandparents. It is completely fine for you to find comfort in where things are right now. This version of your grandfather could be the most genuine version of himself without the inhibitions of tradition.
Here is some additional information on Alzheimer’s disease and how someone’s attitude can change as the disease begins to worsen: https://www.alz.org/media/cacentral/dementia-care-30-personality-changes-in-dementia.pdf. Â
Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude. I hope that some of this information was helpful, and please do not hesitate to reach out again.
Hang in there,
Andrea
Hi, Gina! Thank you so much for reaching out to us. One of our senior peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering you by Tuesday or Wednesday. Until then, stay strong!