So I’m 20 years old and never had a significant other, and I think it because I’m very scared of being rejected. I’ve never expressed to someone that I like them, like not even given a hint. I’ve always felt that I‘m too ugly and weird to be liked by anyone, so then I act really closed of and disinterested, which makes no one like me, which then enforces this cycle. I’ve also never kissed someone because I genuinely wanted to, like only in games at parties. Whenever me and my friends are out clubbing no one approaches me, which also makes me feel even worse about myself, and if all my friends go home with someone, which I obviously don’t it ruins my night (which is very stupid I know). And I just don’t know what to do. Like I want to put myself out there but I just physically can’t, like the few times guys have shown a little interest i panic and just try to ignore them or cut the conversation short (which I know is very rude). I want to download tinder, but am so afraid of putting myself out there in that way, so I haven’t downloaded it. I’m just scared that it will just confirm my negative thoughts about being unlovable and ugly. Also, I’m scared of how it would go if I were to meet up with someone, I just think I’d be very awkward and uncomfortable.
I find all of this very embarrassing too, my close friends know that i haven’t dated etc. but not to this extent. No one knows. I have recently started going to therapy, but I’m so embarrassed to talk about this so I haven’t told my therapist (I know I should, I just can’t bring myself to). Do you have any advice on how to deal with this? I think I know the reasons why I am this way, but I just don’t know how to actually improve my situation
First off, there is nothing wrong with you or your situation. It doesn’t help when a lot of cultures place romantic relationships on pedestals or act like you must be this perfect person to be worthy of love because that all results in the immense pressure you’re facing right now. In other words, cultures that act like romance is the end-all-be-all and the goal for everyone are ultimately placing a lot of pressure on people to pair up- even if they do not want to or even if it means staying stuck in an unhealthy, stagnant, or toxic relationship.
This pressure is called amatonormativity; it’s the idea that being in a relationship or seeking one is normal and that being single for a while means something is wrong with you. The person who coined this term is Elizabeth Brake. She explains that amatonormativity makes people focus too much on romance and not enough on themselves or friendships. I’d argue that this force contributes to you feeling like you are behind your peers and possibly your feeling that you are not good enough for a romantic relationship. It’s a vicious cycle.
Feel free to browse her site for more info on this: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/ (https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/)
Since you mentioned fearing being rejected and having your worst ideas of yourself confirmed, I do want to pose this question: are you familiar with rejection sensitive dysphoria? If not, it is a condition where, when you face rejection or significant criticism, the normal negative feelings you would have about the situation are worse than normal and it is harder to bounce back from the situation. Folks who have this tend to either cut themselves off from situations where they can be rejected or criticized in some significant way OR they tend to turn themselves into people-pleasers.
This magazine is for folks with ADHD, and it has a very helpful article about RSD:
https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/#:~:text=Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is,high standards or others' expectations.
Additionally, Psychology Today also has an article about RSD: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria)
Talking to your therapist about all of this is also a great idea. It isn’t easy opening up about stuff like this, but it’s really important to do so. I think your therapist would be a great person to help you dive into these feelings you have about yourself. I also think that taking some time to just focus on yourself right now in your therapy sessions would be a wonderful idea because it sounds like you are not ready for a romantic relationship right now. That is okay; there is nothing wrong with you for it and there is nothing wrong with learning how to better take care of yourself. This is because romantic partners are just that partners. They are not parents, rulers, or anything other than your equal. Just like friends and everyone else, they are part of your life, not your whole life.
What I suggest, from my own experiences, is not telling your therapist your whole life story in one session; start with one topic at a time and go from there. This will allow you to build some rapport with your therapist and start delving into these complicated topics without overwhelming yourself.
Here is some wisdom I gained from my own therapist: self-esteem comes from identifying and living in accordance with your values. Is being in a romantic relationship really all that important to you? Is liking yourself important? What is and isn’t important to you? I suggest trying to identify your values because doing so will help you develop self-esteem, and that will make it easier for you to, well, live. You will be better able to enjoy yourself and your own company, which in turn will make it easier for you to enjoy others’ company. It will make it easier for you to do the things you need and want to do- including entering into a romantic relationship- because you will be better able to identify and advocate for your needs. You will be better able to assess compatibility, advocate for yourself, and generally enjoy happier, healthier relationships.
Therapy is not a panacea, of course, and neither is developing self-esteem, but these are tools that will help you better enjoy your own life and your own company. You will be able to learn that you do indeed deserve to be loved authentically and without strings attached. You will be better able to avoid unhealthy, toxic relationships and be better able to find healthy ones. You will not become a perfect person, but you can grow into a better person, someone that you are happy with and feel safe enough presenting to the world.
Putting yourself out there, whether it’s for jobs, relationships, therapy sessions, or anything else is hard. Being vulnerable takes a lot of courage. If you take it all one st
ep at a time, you will come to realize that you are a cool person and that self-love is pretty cool, too.
Socially-distanced hugs,
Angelica Barile
Hello, @emily n ! Thank you so much for coming to Asking Jude! We're so sorry you have to go through this. Our amazing peer counsellor, Angelica Barile, will answer your submission shortly.
Just to let you know -- Asking Jude offers pay-what-you-want, live peer counselling via text messaging and/or audio/video calling. If you feel like you'd like to work through these issues with peer support, you can be connected with one of our team members. It's completely one-on-one and confidential, and you pay as much or as a little as you want for it! You can also rest assured that our peer counsellors never handle more than one or two clients at a time, so you'll get the care you deserve.
If you're interested, reach out to us at jude@askingjude.org. Until then, stay strong!