So I’m 20 years old and never had a significant other, and I think it because I’m very scared of being rejected. I’ve never expressed to someone that I like them, like not even given a hint. I’ve always felt that I‘m too ugly and weird to be liked by anyone, so then I act really closed of and disinterested, which makes no one like me, which then enforces this cycle. I’ve also never kissed someone because I genuinely wanted to, like only in games at parties. Whenever me and my friends are out clubbing no one approaches me, which also makes me feel even worse about myself, and if all my friends go home with someone, which I obviously don’t it ruins my night (which is very stupid I know). And I just don’t know what to do. Like I want to put myself out there but I just physically can’t, like the few times guys have shown a little interest i panic and just try to ignore them or cut the conversation short (which I know is very rude). I want to download tinder, but am so afraid of putting myself out there in that way, so I haven’t downloaded it. I’m just scared that it will just confirm my negative thoughts about being unlovable and ugly. Also, I’m scared of how it would go if I were to meet up with someone, I just think I’d be very awkward and uncomfortable.
I find all of this very embarrassing too, my close friends know that i haven’t dated etc. but not to this extent. No one knows. I have recently started going to therapy, but I’m so embarrassed to talk about this so I haven’t told my therapist (I know I should, I just can’t bring myself to). Do you have any advice on how to deal with this? I think I know the reasons why I am this way, but I just don’t know how to actually improve my situation