A girl I know is getting married and I caught a glimpse of her guest list through an instagram story. On the list is the name of a guy I had a big crush on and is probably the only decent guy I know, he was very nice to me and a great listener. However he did spend a lot of time with other girls and it felt like he was choosing everyone else over me. Kinda silly I know. I got over him and haven’t spoken to him in a while, but I don’t know why seeing his name on the list felt like I had been punched. I don’t have any feelings for the guy, I think, but we’ve barely been in contact since we left for college. Seeing his name made me feel sad and anxious and just made me want to cry. Im not going to the wedding because of covid so I don’t think Im gonna see him again for a while. I just don’t know how to cope with these feelings or even know why I feel like this
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Hi love,
No, that’s not silly at all. You had a massive crush on this guy, and it’s normal to have felt jealous or sad that he was talking to other girls. In your heart, you were hoping that he liked you back, but he didn’t.
I think that you got over him in the last few years, but when you saw his name, it opened up old wounds. I believe the sadness and anxiety you are feeling are related to the rejection you experienced. I don’t think you developed any new feelings because you don’t know him anymore.
Is it possible that your feelings have to do with not going to the wedding? Could you subconsciously think that you are missing a chance to reconnect with him after all these years? Do you want to know whether or not he had any feelings for you? Are you nervous that your friend may talk about you or that he may ask about you? These questions are meant to help you pinpoint why you feel the way you do.
I found these articles that advise on how to cope when you see an ex-crush again:
https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-get-over-a-crush#talking.
https://soselfishblog.com/2018/11/15/how-to-deal-with-resurfacing-emotions/.
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/the-paradox-of-getting-over-someone-you-never-dated/.
https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-get-over-someone-you-never-dated-according-to-experts-8548639.
https://www.positivelypresent.com/2018/12/mixed-feelings.html.
https://culturacolectiva.com/lifestyle/why-you-always-hope-to-reconnect-with-a-former-crush.
In addition to the resources above, I recommend that you utilize helplines for added support. I think it would be helpful for you to speak with someone about these feelings. Hotlines are available 24/7, free, and confidential. Here are my suggestions:
Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741 to connect with a counselor.
7 Cups of Tea: Vist www.7cups.com or download their app (IOS or Google Play) to create an account. Once you have, you can start chatting with one of their listeners or attending group sessions on numerous relationships.
CONTACT Helpline offers emotional support listening - Call 800-932-4616 to chat with a counselor.
I hope that I was able to help you. Feelings are incredibly complicated, and it’s sometimes hard to know why they have come up, especially when they involve past crushes. It’s hard to deal with them when they come up, and it can be confusing. If you need any more support, please don’t hesitate to come back to Asking Jude.
Love,
Meggan