This has happened three times. My “best friend”/only friend decides that they’re bored with me and moves on to someone else, refusing to talk to me. I’m now close friends with this INCREDIBLE guy. We were a group of three with another girl but she left. And the guy and the girl had been friends since they were 3 and then I came along and now they don’t speak to each other. How do I not lose him too?
Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude with your question. Losing friends is a really hard thing to deal with. I think there is a lot of talk about the struggle of losing a romantic relationship, but sometimes we forget that losing a good friend can be just as bad or even more painful. Have you ever followed up with these past friends that have stopped speaking to you and asked why? It’s common to grow out of friends, or for friendships to change over time, but perhaps there was a misunderstanding or common miscommunication that could’ve caused these splits? Even if there is no chance of becoming friends again, or if you don’t even care about this person much anymore, it can be comforting to know why someone ended a friendship, especially if you feel that it was spontaneous and sort of left you in the dark. Remember, a lot of the time, these friendship “breakups” have to do more with the other person than it does with you. Please don’t blame yourself for ending the friendship, especially if you were a good friend to them.
As for your current situation, I can definitely understand why you’re feeling anxious about your new friend leaving you after his closest friend left the group. Sometimes this third party can act as the “glue” between two other friends, and I have a feeling you felt that the girl who left was the glue for you two. However, sometimes this can be a chance for you and your guy friend to get even closer without having a friend from his past to always compare you to. Now that she has left, the two of you can connect more personally and build a strong friendship, maybe even as good a friendship as he and she had.
It’s important not to decide how to act or who to be friends with based on the fear of someone leaving you. I know this is hard because of your past, but constantly being insecure about someone leaving you will not allow you to be your true self while in the friendship. Be kind and try to be the best friend you can be, but remember that how other people react to you/their decisions are out of your control. I’m sure that if your healthy and happy friendship with this friend continues, there shouldn’t be much to worry about regarding the friendship ending for a distinct reason. If, for whatever reason, it does end, there are so many lovely people you have yet to meet that will be such a great friend to you and such a light in your life. Here are some resources that may help you:
Understanding Fear of Abandonment:
https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-abandonment-2671741
How Fear of Abandonment Affects Relationships:
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/phobias/how-a-fear-of-abandonment-can-affect-a-relationship/
Friendship “Ghosting”:
https://time.com/4779713/friendship-ghosting/
Why Do Friends Leave?:
https://vocal.media/humans/why-do-all-of-my-friends-leave-me
Maintaining Friendships:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201301/5-ways-maintain-lifelong-friendships
Take care,
Jordan