Hi I need some advice on something. I used to have a friend that I’ve since had to stop talking to. She was a really close friend of mine who is known since 5th grade and I’d walk her home every day. She was my main source of validation and comfort and I got really attached fast (because of my mental illness caused by childhood abandonment) and she got uncomfortable and cut me off. I got really defensive when I noticed she was growing distant and did a lot of things I regret to keep her around. This was 2 years ago. I gave her a really half assed apology like “sorry I did that bye forever” over text when she ended things. I wasn’t ready to except my wrongdoings at the time and held a lot of anger towards her for a while. I’ve since learned and grown from my mistakes and really want to make it up to her. I’ve been working on an actual good apology that she deserves and I’ve been wanting to give it to her just to clear up any thought that she might’ve been at fault (she was very much not, it was all me.) If she doesn’t accept my apology I plan to leave her alone forever. I have all the same classes with her and it’s really awkward and I want to fix that but I’m afraid she’ll think it’s stalker-like if I come back for an apology re-do. I genuinely feel sorry and want to fix what I’ve done. Do you think it’s creepy or no?
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Hey there,
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is wonderful that you are holding yourself accountable for your past behaviors. We are all capable of learning and growing. It’s great that you are planning on redoing your apology, which should resolve the conflict and provide both of you with closure. Here are some tips on how to deliver a proper apology: https://www.npr.org/2023/01/25/1150972343/how-to-say-sorry-give-good-apology. Try to remember to genuinely acknowledge your mistakes, actively listen to her with an open mind, and be kind to yourself.
Timing and situational context are also factors to consider before apologizing. You don’t want to approach her when she is in the middle of something, or if she seems flustered and distracted. Make sure both of you are calm and able to focus on the conversation. If needed, here are some tips on how to handle a potentially difficult or awkward conversation: https://www.aauw.org/resources/member/governance-tools/dei-toolkit/difficult-conversations/.
Be prepared for the possibility that she will not want to hear you out. As difficult as it is to acknowledge, she may still harbor feelings of anger or resentment, which is why it is important to approach this conversation humbly and with an open mind. Remember to respect her feelings and boundaries regardless of how she responds. Also strive to be patient and keep in mind that it takes some people more time than others to move past emotionally difficult events like friendship break-ups.
Here are some tips on how to cope with a friendship break-up in the event she rebuffs your apology: https://www.npr.org/2023/03/21/1165070213/when-a-friendship-ends. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, reconciliation is not possible. As long as you use effective communication and keep an open mind, your apology should go well. Even if your friendship cannot completely go back to what it was, this apology should provide you with a sense of closure, which can help you move on from this conflict.
I hope some of this information was helpful. Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.
Good luck,
Andrea