I lost myself chasing a guy who doesn't want me. For a year. He's a good guy, we're friends, but I never told him I like him and he didn't notice. I know I should move on and let him go but I love him and I need to at least tell him, so that there are no what ifs. I'm scared of losing him. I already lost myself though, I'm back at square one with my depression and chasing him partly got me here. How do I get myself back...
top of page
bottom of page
To Angelica Barile: Thank you for the work that you. I easily relate to Anonymous' dilemma, as I had many disappointments in my late teens and all through my 20s. Many of these Asks don't have information about the other person in the relationship and, in the case of this Anonymous's ask, I get the feeling there were other people in a group of friends, etc. I definitely relate to this. I'm happy to report that the memory of all of the unhappy outcomes is no longer a big deal for me...
Unrequited love is never fun to deal with. :( I’m sorry you’re in this mess. Do you hope deep down that he will reciprocate your feelings? Is that why you want to tell him? Or is there another reason? Do you think he should know just because you feel it’s the right thing to do? I understand if you feel that way because I am a proponent of people telling others they love and care about each other. Do you feel like you require distance from him, and you just don’t want to ghost him? That’s very kind of you to do because he very well may worry about you if you suddenly withdraw. Perhaps telling him is a good way to let him go so you both have some closure. But you don’t have to let him go forever, though; you can maybe reconnect as friends later on if you feel ready to do so.
Right now, taking care of yourself is a top priority, so think about how you want to tell him and then set some boundaries for yourself. Do you want to not talk to him at all? Not want to see him? You can tell him, “I need to take some time to myself to focus on my mental health. I’m not in a good place right now.” You can tell him your feelings like this: “I’m in love with you, and I know you aren’t interested, so I won’t waste my time pursuing you. You didn’t do anything wrong; I just need a break so I can get better.” It may seem weird, but feel free to modify it to suit your needs. I have some resources here for you if you need help figuring out how to get help:
That last one is meant to be more of an emergency, keep-in-your-back-pocket sort of thing. If you ever suspect that your depression is leading to suicidal ideation, that website will help you find the right people to help you.
Do you have any close family or friends you can talk to? Perhaps they can listen to you if you need someone to vent to or help you in other ways (like maybe they can help you access professional help). It’s good to build a support network; you don’t need to do all this alone. You deserve all the love and support and professional help you can get.
I know you’re in a rough situation right now, but I promise you it can get better. Take this time for all the self-care you need, whether that’s going to therapy, journaling, listening to angsty music, treating yourself a little, listening to ASMR, finding a simple hobby, etc. whatever will help you heal. Remember that you are not a bad person for any of this; many people deal with unrequited love at some point.