My fiancé of 7 years recently ran into his ex at the airport where he works and I found text messages between them two after their encounter. Their message thread wasn’t long, just a simple “hey it was nice seeing you, how is everything and say hi to the family for me”. I confronted him about it and how it made me feel to just have seen a message of reaching out. He apologized and owned up to it and recognized how it was wrong in the first place to have even reached out. But I can’t help but feel so hurt about it still and how much it bothers even though he expressed it’s nothing and even went on to block her number and all. I feel lost, confused and disgusted by it. What should I do?
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Hey there,
It’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt by what’s happened. It is natural for anyone in a relationship to be uncomfortable with their partner’s past relationships, so I would encourage you not to be too hard on yourself for feeling confused. It’s great that your fiancé was willing to apologize and take steps to address the issue. That is a positive sign that he is willing to put in the time and effort it takes to make amends for his actions.
It’s important for you to do some self-reflection to better understand why this encounter is still affecting you even after you’ve received an apology. Do you suspect something more has happened than he is letting on? Is there any instance from the years you two have been together that would lead you to not trust your partner? Try and take the time to think about this on your own. Understanding your feelings is an important step towards resolving them.
You could try journaling, which is a stress-free way to relieve any anxieties you may have about their encounter. There are many different ways to journal, but the stream-of-consciousness method is particularly effective because you do not have to worry about proper grammar or punctuation.
Here is an article that discusses journaling and its benefits in greater detail: https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=.
Writing down a few thoughts or maybe going for a long drive are just a few ways you can collect your thoughts so that you can have a clear and honest conversation with your fiancé. When talking with him, it is important to keep an open mind and focus on actively listening instead of passively hearing. Make sure that you have a complete understanding of the situation and his side of the story before you make any judgements.
These articles may help you start the process of understanding why this situation is so bothersome to you: https://tinyurl.com/8u5r4xh7. If rebuilding trust is an issue, I would suggest taking a look at these tips: https://tinyurl.com/59trxt49.
If these uncomfortable feelings of distrust persist, try to establish boundaries with your partner. Let him know what you are and are not okay with in terms of past relationships. Again, it is important to keep an open mind and to make sure that you come to an agreement that suits both of you.
Ultimately, what’s best for your relationship is between you and your fiancé. It’s important that you candidly express your feelings and boundaries to your partner so you can ensure you two are on the same page. Remember that relationship conflicts are inevitable, especially when you’ve been together for multiple years, so try your best to work together and find a compromise. With effective communication, your relationship should come out stronger than before.
I hope that some of this information was helpful. If you have any other questions, please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again.
All the best,
Mikayla