Hi i'm a 20 years old girl from Italy. I'm 20 years old but i feel like i was 16. I never had a teenage life, never been at party (just once 2 years ago), never see the sunset with friends, never had a boy, never kissed a boy, never even spoke to a boy. I am not independent, i have 3 friends, something i don't know if they are true friends, we don't have that special friendship, you know? Anyway.. I live with my mom and her husband. My mom is soo protective, everytime i say i want to go to a place she say "why do you wanna go? You have to be carefull, people are mean" or stuff like that, and when i was younger i used to do what she said but now i don't (fortunatelly). I am extremely anxious, that's why i never had a life. I get imbarassed talking to anyone, i can't stand an eye contant, i feel uncomfortable even with my family. I feel every second under judge, even by myself. I don't have a job, i'm not studying and my parents keep making pressure on me about do something in life. I wanna do something, i wanna go away from them and start my life but i want to do it right know but don't know how. Please help me get rid of my anxious and find myself.. i don't know who i am, what i like or what i want to do. I just want to grow up but i'm also scared.. i'm not normal, i want to be a normal 20 years old girl..
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Hi love,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude for advice. I’m sorry to hear about your anxiety and struggles with self-judgment. First, I want to reassure you that going to parties, getting into relationships, watching the sunset, and hanging out with friends are not exclusive to your teenage years. There is no age limit to when you can indulge in these experiences. You mentioned that you are 20, which is an excellent time to step out of your comfort zone zone and try new things. So, remind yourself that you have not missed out on these opportunities. You are young and have plenty of time to explore your interests.
With regard to your mom, I’m glad to hear you are gradually allowing yourself to become more independent. I understand that growing up with a protective parent can make you feel fearful, anxious, and insecure. A major component to building self-confidence is viewing yourself in a positive way. Although you may be doubtful of your strengths at times, remember that everyone has them. A great exercise to practice is giving yourself five positive affirmations each morning. You can try looking at yourself in the mirror and giving yourself five sincere compliments (e.g. “I have a good sense of humor” or “I am a caring person”). You can even commit yourself to making one goal each day, such as “Today, I will make eye contact while speaking to ____.” Additionally, I found a great article that discusses different ways to build self-esteem: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem%3famp. I also recommend reading “How to be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety” by Dr. Ellen Hendrickson(https:/www.ellenhendriksen.com/book), which is a book I found very helpful.
The process of finding yourself and discovering what you like is something you can begin immediately. To help you on this journey, think about what you like to do in your spare time. For example, you may like to watch makeup gurus on YouTube. In that case, you could purchase a few makeup items and experiment with different looks. Or, it is possible that you like to watch cooking videos. If that is the case, you can research different recipes and try cooking them at home. You may even want to enroll in a community college to take a variety of courses to find a subject you like. Whatever it may be, make a list of what activities you enjoy doing and see what hobbies you can make out of them. Remember that you may find hobbies that you do not like after all, which is still great for learning more about yourself. Be patient with this proceeds and continue researching different activities that spark your interest. If you need further guidance, I found a link that I hope will be helpful for you: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2018/02/how-do-adults-find-new-hobbies/
I know that trying new activities can be very scary at first. If you start feeling discouraged, remind yourself of why you want these experiences in the first place. Remind yourself of the confidence you wish to build and how that can benefit you.
Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude for further help. We know the process toward self-confidence can be long and demanding, so we want to offer you as much help as we can.
Sending love and support,
Helen
Hi there, darling! I just relayed your submission to Helen. She'll be answering it shortly. Thank you for supporting us!