When I was younger, I had been exposed to sexual things, which makes me feel as if I have been abused due to the overexposure (it started at six years of age) when I was in my teens I had also been touched by a slightly younger relative while I was trying to sleep. I don’t know what to do with all this information as it is making me have intrusive thoughts that I wanted these things to happen to me and I am a abuser, what should I do?
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Instances of sexual abuse or molestation and early exposure to pornography can contribute to psychological damage. Having any or all of these experiences happen to you can certainly traumatize you and can have devastating impacts on your life if you don’t seek therapy. Some examples include: addiction, depression, continuously putting self into high-risk situations, harm to self or others, etc. You should not try to normalize your thoughts, past experiences, or feel like you are to blame for any of them.
The first step you should do is to speak to your parents of all the problems you are facing (including that relative who touched you) and ask for their support in the process of getting therapy. A lot of people don’t realize the benefits of therapy, so here are some: 1) it helps to alleviate your emotional and psychological symptoms, 2) gives you guidance and support, 3) may return you to a healthy or healthier status. The next step is to find a great therapist that you can trust and to try to resolve or reduce some of your uneasiness and intrusive thoughts. The final step is to continue to go to therapy and ask/find help when you need it.
I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced all of this beginning at an early age. It’s difficult nowadays to escape pornography--even for children who are just browsing the internet for school and games. I personally will see a sexually disturbing advertisement every once in a while when I’m simply searching up definitions when completing homework or have anonymous people message me on my social media accounts offering sexual activities. It’s ridiculous how accessible the content is and is nearly impossible for children not to encounter them by accident.
Going through all you have experienced does not make you an abuser or make you feel like you will become an abuser. You are incredibly strong to have gone through all of this trauma and still be able to stand up with your two feet. Surround yourself with positive people who continue to uplift you every day and turn off your phone, computer, and television every once in a while. Give yourself the chance to be outdoors and breathe and try out new activities like rock climbing, cooking, drawing, etc. Exercising your body also exercises your mind! I truly wish you the best as you embark on this new journey. In the meantime, please read some of these articles that I’ve listed below: