I posted an ask on your tumblr page that was answered about wondering If I did something wrong by having a hook up before I was in a monogamous relationship with my partner. In the answer you said would I break up with my partner if I found out about a hookup before they were in a relationship with me? My answer would be no I probably wouldn’t bc I understand it happens and we weren’t in a relationship then even if we were casually dating, but I’m afraid he might do that. i Haven’t been stressing About this the whole time we’ve been dating Because I thought I had not done anything wrong as it was before we were in a committed relationship. But I saw a post come up on reddit about this guy who broke up with his otherwise great gf because he found out she slept with someone while he and her were in the “getting to know each other” stage before they made things official due to the guy she hooked up with reaching out to the bf and telling him and now he couldnt get past that. Now I don’t know their whole story etc but it made me feel awful because all of the comments were in support of the poster saying he did the right thing and that she wasnt worthy of being wife material. I didnt really think she did anything morally wrong or that it was worth ending an otherwise good relationship over as it was before they were an offical couple, and it got me thinking maybe my partner would do the same to me bc I had a hook up before him and I were in an offical relationship? My partner can be really, really insecure and jealous about anything to do with other guys liking me or anything in my past relationships so obviously I didn’t think it was worth mentioning to him as he would take it as almost an ego blow to him? So this is why I have suddenly been stressing about this feeling bad like ive done something wrong even though I technically haven’t. am I valid in thinking he might end things just bc of a hook up before we were officically a couple just because he already liked me at that stage? How do I stop stressing about this? What’s your thoughts?
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Hi there,
Thank you for coming to Asking Jude with your question. I’m sorry you are still feeling conflicted about what to do in this situation, as I remember how concerned you were in your original ask as well.
To answer your question as to if it makes sense for you to be worried, I would say that yes, your feelings are valid and make sense in this situation. Your relationship means a lot to you, your partner means a lot to you, and doing the morally right thing means a lot to you. When an insecurity regarding you possibly breaking someone’s trust and potentially ruining a good thing arises, of course it is normal to feel guilty and worried as to what might come of this.
That being said, just because you feel worried and that your feelings are reasonable certainly doesn’t mean that you have to suffer with being consumed by them. I know it seems so hard to talk to your partner about this, but I really do still think that it will make you feel so much better and liberated from the burden of anxiety being placed on you because of this situation. Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong by hooking up with someone before you and your boyfriend started officially dating. But, you still feel guilty about potentially upsetting someone, and that is enough reason to have a conversation and try to resolve things with your partner.
We cannot control the way in which people respond to situations/new information. So, will he break up with you? Unfortunately, there would be no way for me to tell you that 100% he will stay with you (though I personally think it’s unlikely as you say the rest of your relationship apart from this small “secret” is healthy). However, should the fear of someone breaking up with you stop you from telling them things, and more importantly continue to have you burden yourself with anxiety? The truth is, he could break up with you at any time for anything. You could be in a bad mood one day and snap at him and have that as the reason for a breakup. Of course, this is a silly reason, but my point is that relationships are a two-way-street, and both parties have the option of breaking things off at any time, for any reason (or lack of reason). This is not at all meant to scare you, but instead to have you realize that there’s no way of knowing how someone will react to something, so you might as well make the right decision for you and hope for the best reaction on their part.
Regarding the reddit post, you are correct when you mentioned that you don’t know these people and what their relationship was like. Perhaps they were just like you are your partner, but theres also a huge chance that they had big existing problems before this conflict was talked about, or that one/both partners were emotionally immature and acted on rash decision making. You know your partner more than I do, of course, but from what you have written I can predict that he may be a bit surprised and upset at first, but will appreciate you telling him the truth above anything. Sometimes conflicts like this can strengthen trust even more and can make a relationship stronger.
Here are a few resources that may help:
Guilt In Relationships: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/3-ways-keep-guilt-ruining-your-relationships
Keeping Peace in Mind: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/40-ways-achieve-peace-mind-and-inner-calm.html
Tough Conversations and Strengthening Relationships: https://www.pnj.com/story/news/2018/06/23/studer-tough-conversations-dont-have-damage-relationships/724963002/
I hope this helps!
Take care,
Jordan
Might I also add I have been 100% loyal to my partner since we have been in an official relationship.