Hello, I hope you are well. I have a little situation thats drivings me insane lately. I'm all for people having different opinions on things but this is something that has been effecting me personally, so please don't take offence if you have differing opinions to this as this isn't my intention at all. <3
My partner's mother and some of my extended family have become very anti covid vax and have become very into conspiracies since this all begun. I don't care if people don't want to get vaccinated as its their choice, but I start to have an issue with these things when it starts to go into conspiracy territory and anti medicine etc and affects children.
My partner and I live in another state to our families at the moment, which means I've only had to deal with things like this over the phone, but we are heading down to our home state next week and I'm so terrified of the conversations that are going to come up about covid from our friends and fam and have absolutely no idea how to even react to them and how to keep things peaceful.
Recently when I booked in to get myself and my partner our booster recently we got judged majorly hard by all the people that work with my partner, who are all "manly men" by their own descriptions and who have all had covid (we haven't), to the point it even made my partner change his tune about getting boosted and said he's just doing it for me, even though he was the one eager to get vaccinated first. There is so much B.S floating around now that even the people in my fam who were happy to get vaxxed, now don't want any boosters because they think something is wrong with these vaccines and that their health (which was questionable beforehand) is bad now after getting them, the peer pressure is slowly getting to my partner too.
My partners mother, who has a young toddler herself, has flat out refused to get even one shot which is her choice but it's the same for her young child. She was completely against us getting them too and fully told us that we were going to curl up and die after them to our faces (we didn't) yet she still believes that, despite us being fully fine. She used to send us links to all this stuff about kids eyes falling out of their heads after pfizer, and fully believes these things as facts even if you try to debunk it. It also doesn't help that she doesn't socialise much which means she has avoided getting covid at all which is a good thing obviously, but now she most likely thinks she's immune etc. and thinks her experiences are everyone's.
She's in a court case and part of it is about getting her child ready to go to school (she wants to homeschool him for obvious reasons) but you need to be vaxxed to attend school here, so now she's fighting against that. She called my partner on loud speaker the other day, and said some words about how its stupid she can't go to this event because you need to be vaccinated and then about how she would rather her son not "f*cking die" from the vax than go to school. My partner initially thought it was crazy what she would say, but now he just goes along with it to keep her happy and does not say anything against it anymore and sometimes even eggs her on, even if he knows it can be easily corrected. Sometimes I don't mind and just live and let live, but then she tells me she thinks that every time she hears a siren outside from a cop car or ambulance that it's automatically to do with a vaccine injury, and no one bloody says anything to her about it to correct it and it makes me concerned for her mental health again. I try so hard not to judge and I know it comes from a place of her thinking she's doing the right thing, but it involves an innocent child who doesn't have a say and changes my partner's mind too. My own mom has said questionable things about medicine in the past and I always tried to show her the correct info, I just don't understand why my partner doesn't want to or is scared to do the same, unless there's something else to it. I feel like I'm losing my mind!!!! I can't say anything myself to her when she goes on about these things in front of me, because it would just end our relationship and I don't want that to happen.
My partner wouldn't approve either. Anytime I say anything to my partner about it he either agrees and makes jokes with me about it or goes the other way and deflects and says he doesn't understand why covid is even a thing anymore. The most I can do is generally share some information on my social media that she can see, but other than that I just freeze up and my stomach feels like it drops the moment she brings it up. It's got to the point where even I question things now because it's been drilled into my head so many times and it really stresses me out, the whole convo just feels kinda traumatising now.
I have no idea why it makes me feel this awful, but she's obviously being taken advantage of and it makes me so frustrated and sad even though I guess its not really my problem? It's just so frustrating when someone is going on about widely fake info as if it were true in front of you and you can't do or say anything about it. How on earth do I deal with this without feeling crazy anymore? What can I even (civilly) say if it's brought up around me? How do I move on from this? Obviously in life there will always be people around me with differing opinions and I should learn how to deal with it and not let it get to me, but how do I do this? Any advice or info would be so appreciated. Thank you in advance. :(
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Hello there,
I’m doing great; thanks for asking!
I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Unfortunately, this is a common problem as of late—but fortunately, that means that you are not alone! It is challenging to figure out how to best navigate situations like this; and it is even more difficult when the “other” party involved does not seem to be listening to reason. It’s hard—because you want what’s best for your loved ones. Everyone has their own beliefs, like you said, but this feels so much more complex than that. How do you live and let live? How do you give up that control? There is no “one-size-fits-all” answer. Here are some tips on dealing with anti-vaxxers that may help: https://www.meningitis.org/blogs/how-to-respond-to-anti-vaxxers.
It is important that you don’t respond in anger. A harsh response may further isolate your partner’s mother. It may play into what she already believes about pro-vaxxers. I know that this is difficult, but try to empathize. When a person is met with understanding, rather than skepticism, it can help bridge the gap between differing opinions. If the conversation gets too intense, here are some tips to change the subject: https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations.
I know that all of this is easier said than done. When you get into the heat of the moment, it can be hard to keep control of your emotions. One of the best things about social media is that you can control what you see. I have been utilizing the block button or the hide posts option. Taking a break from social media can also be a great help. Sometimes, all the negative opinions can get inside your head. Staying off of social media for a while is a great boundary to set and enforce for yourself.
That being said, I advise setting boundaries with your partner’s family. Here are some tips on boundaries: https://www.npr.org/2021/01/25/960423678/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family-and-stick-to-them. Boundaries will help you stay away from certain topics in conversations. A boundary is a way to control your responses, not the responses of others. You don’t have to be aggressive when setting boundaries—just firm.
Hang in there, and I hope this helps!
Andrea
Hello, @jane cecil/@jane cecil! I'm so sorry for the very late response. Unfortunately, there were some personal and professional matters that needed to be dealt with before I could resume Asking Jude's activity.
To compensate for this, I'd like to offer you our live peer counselling sessions free of charge. I'll be sending you an e-mail with more information on this!
In the meantime, one of our peer counsellors, Andrea, will be answering you shortly. Until then, stay strong!
Hello from NYC. I'm guessing that 'the event' that was scheduled for the weekend took plaace and that -- going by the odds -- you and your partner survived and are back home. But the predicament remains. So I think someone at Asking Jude has to offer some concrete help, some wisdom that guides you to a positive resolution. I wish you and your partner because you will need luck, as well as the concrete help and wisdom. I'm a member here, not a peer counselor. Good luck to you and your partner...