Hi! Hope anyone who reads this is well and I massively appreciate any response.
I’ve been in a toxic relationship for the past three years. Currently I’m not sure if the relationship is still on. Communication is extremely difficult so I’m not really sure what the “status” is.
Basically, me and my girlfriend have lived together for the past three years and it’s been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, both extreme good and
extreme bad with frequent fighting, making up, being affectionate and then fighting again.
I recently decided to move out for my own mental health, and two weeks ago I finally did — I’m now living elsewhere with a friend.
The big problem is this — I have constant anxiety and feelings of guilt because my girlfriend accused me of abandoning her. She has few friends, and very little family. She cares for her mother who is terminally ill and mentally unwell. I desperately want to help her and support her but the relationship was causing me to be unhappy and damaging my self-esteem. I‘ve tried to explain to her that I still love her and want to help support her even if I’m not living with her, but she views my moving out as a total betrayal and accused me of being a bad person.
After a bad fight that left me contemplating suicide, I went to a hospital and spoke with a wonderful counselor who listened to me and told me that I’m not responsible for my girlfriend‘s happiness, that I need to
do what’s best for me. But no matter how much I tell myself that, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve abandoned someone who needs my help. I just want her to be okay but I don’t want to get sucked back into our cycle of toxicity. It’s eating at my heart every minute and I’m terrified I’ve made a mistake.
Not sure what I’m hoping to hear, any insight or perspective appreciated! Thanks
Dear Friend,
Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. You sound like a wonderfully empathetic and kind person. I’m proud of you for moving out of a toxic relationship and additionally seeking help from a professional in a time of need. It’s good to know that you are still able to look out for yourself after a toxic relationship. I agree with the therapist you spoke to when they said it was best for you to separate yourself from the relationship even if you felt bad for your girlfriend. I understand the desire to help everyone as much as we can, especially the people we love. However, she has been determinantal to your happiness and well being. Upon your breakup she made you feel guilty for choosing your happiness, and from that, it is clear she does not treat you with the same respect you treat her. You deserve equal respect and understanding from partners and friends.
I believe that she will be okay if she seeks the right support system. It’s okay for you to choose to help her as long as it isn’t negatively affecting your mental health. You could try to steer her towards seeking therapy. Ultimately, it’s up to her to find a support system during this time to aid herself and her mother. She can not depend on you for her happiness, and you can’t help someone who doesn’t respect you.
Another option you have is to cut off all communication with her so she is forced to stabilize her situation without you. This will give her time to stand on her own feet. After she is okay without you, you can decide if you want to be friends or continue to cut off communication.
I suggest you talk this out with a trusted friend as well. I hope one of your friends can be there to remind you that there is nothing to feel guilty about. You are important, and you deserve to feel happy. In a healthy relationship, both parties communicate and are respectful of each other's emotions.
Here are some resources about leaving toxic relationships:
https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-deplete-me-10-steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship/
https://www.hercampus.com/school/oregon/why-you-shouldnt-feel-guilty-ending-toxic-relationships
https://herway.net/relationship/6-ways-find-peace-toxic-relationship/
https://www.lifehack.org/335328/8-amazing-changes-happen-after-you-bravely-leave-toxic-relationship
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201805/overcoming-the-aftermath-leaving-toxic-relationship
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/letting-go-of-unhealthy-relationships-and-rediscovering-yourself/
If you need to contact someone immediately or are in crisis text or call these numbers.
Text Hotline:
Suicide Hotline by Texting HOME to 741741(US)
Suicide Hotline by Text Shout to 85258 (UK)
Suicide Hotline by Text CONNECT to 686868 (Canada)
Call Hotlines:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free (español): 1-888-628-9454
You are a great person. You did the right thing by ending the relationship. This is better for both of you. You deserve to be happy, loved, and respected.
Hugs,
Max
Hi there, Stuart! Thank you so much for supporting our transformation. We have relayed your submission to Max, and they'll be answering it shortly!
You did the right thing. When you understand that you did the right thing, then you won't need to forgive yourself for putting yourself first. Your girlfriend needs help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. Good luck to both you and your girlfriend...